Okey, so no secret that I really really REALLY want to win the lottery so I can make all of my material dreams come true. But there’s also things that money just can’t buy.. Like my dream of having more babies..
For the past 8 years I’ve really really wanted to make our family bigger.. And It’s not that I can’t conceive, cause I can.. However it kinda takes two to make a baby right? And even though I’ve tried I just can’t seem to convince my boyfriend to make an addition to the family… The thing is, right now I’m kinda panicking, I mean I’m not getting any younger and I guess I kinda feel like I’ve wasted the past 16 years of my life on all the wrong things ! Not that I regret having my daughters, cause they are truly my reason for living.. But I regret that I’ve stayed with their dad for so long.. He decided that we couldn’t have more children, he decided that we were never gonna get married and he decided that we would never live together.. And I just did what he said, cause deep down I was sure he’d change, he just never did.. So for the past 13 years I’ve lived alone with the children or at least in the weekdays, due to him working and living in another country. He’s home every other weekend, so we get to see him about 6 days a month and thats it. And until recently (the last couple of years) I’ve been ok with it.. He makes a lot of money up there where he works, and because of that we get to go on vacation several times a year, so my daughters are really fortunate to have seen so much of the world that they have… These are some the places they’ve been:
Paris – 3 times, Tokyo and Sapporo in Japan, Cyprus 3 times, Greece 3 times, Spain twice, Switzerland, Austria, Germany, Norway, Sweden, Italy – Milan and Venice… and so on and so on….
So you see they are very fortunate, which is why I don’t have any regrets when it comes to the kids… BUT I just can’t seem to find peace at the thought of never having more children and never getting married.. And living alone for the rest of my life… I guess I’ve stayed with him cause of the kids more then my feelings for him, I mean I love him but in all honesty I don’t think I’ve been IN love for many years now – but for the children’s sake I’ve stayed… It’s just getting harder and harder being alone with the kids, I’m lonely and I’m not getting any younger… But if I’d have to leave him to make my dreams come true, it might be a long time before I meet mr.right and then we’d have to live together for a couple of years before having kids, and BAM I’m over 40 😦 😦 So realistically it’s just too late for me now… Or I’d have to stay with my boyfriend and somehow see if I can convince him? God I just don’t know what to do… Fact of the matter I’m miserable, and not a day goes by without thinking of babies, marriage and being with a guy that can’t live without me… Not one day… I don’t know what to do… So I dream…. and dream and dream and dream….
If I was lucky enough to have more children I’d absolutely love to have twins, how cool would that be… And their nursery would look something like this:
See while money might not be the solution to everything it would be amazing to get that new home filled with children and fun.. I’d love to decorate their rooms… And now you might be thinking that if my boyfriend has that much money why don’t we just build a new house right.. But you see it’s HIS money and not mine… The house we live in is HIS, the car we drive is HIS, the furniture we have is HIS so see it’s really hard to even consider leaving him.. I don’t own anything, and since were not married I don’t have any right to anything in the house.. And I have NO money, all I own is a HUGE debt.. I’m in school right now, struggling to get a degree so I can get a decent job and start buying my own things and maybe then I can leave him.. But until then I’m stuck…!!! I feel so lost, and so caught… After all what are my choices…. If I do leave, where would we live.. We’d basically be homeless, and where would I get furniture and all the basics and what life is that for my kids…??? I can’t do that to them..!! So you see no matter how miserable I am, I’m stuck and can’t do anything about it… All I can do is dream… Dream and dream and dream….. So that’s what I’ll do, keep dreaming…!!!!!! Some say that dreams come true, and who knows maybe some day so will mine…