Today it’s not about winning…

So today I’ve had a day of reminiscing.. I really really miss my beautiful amazing grandparents today, and still haven’t gotten used to the idea of not having grandparents anymore.. It’s weird how all of the sudden, you find you’re self all grown up, with your own family getting one step closer to when my own parents will be next in line.. I guess I feel like the 35 years I’ve lived really just flew by in a beat of a second… If theres anything I would wish for today, it would be the power of traveling in time.. I would go back to when I was 11 years old when everything was just fun and carefree and when I still had my grandparents…

I would spend one night with each set of grandparents just enjoying every single second and remembering to tell them how much I loved them. I’d enjoy being spoiled and I would take in that special smell of home cooked meals made with love that I still sometimes smell.. After that I’d go back to the family vacations to the mountains, with no TV, phones or computers in the cabin, just enjoying each others company playing cards at the table and going for long walks in the mountains. Just me and my family, just happy carefree times… And then I’d go back to life changing moments that I somehow wish I would have done differently.. I’d go back to that night when I was 14 years old and my mom came to my room to tell me that my grandad was dying.. She asked med if I wanted to come say goodbye, but I didn’t… you see I thought I had more time, my mom said that it would probably be about a week, so I said to her that I’d wait till morning… The next morning she came to my room again, this time to tell me he died during the night… That moment changed something inside me.. For many many years and maybe even a little bit still to this day, I blamed myself for his passing.. I was convinced that had I only went to visit him on the hospital, had I only begged him to fight, had I only told him how much I loved him, had I only hugged him and kissed him… Well then maybe he’d still be here today.. For many years I carried this guilt with me, and I never told a soul about it… Not until my adulthood have I been able to see that it was out of my hands, there was nothing I could have said or done that would have made him fight… But still, still I sometimes find my self wondering, and to this day I regret that I didn’t kiss him goodbye… And I’m scared that he felt abandoned and unloved by me when he layed there on the hospital alone and dying… Did he know I loved him…??? I guess I’ll never find out, but deep down I tell myself that he knew, he had to…. I wonder how my life would have turned out, had I had a chance to say goodbye.. I think it would have turned out very different, very different…

I’d go back to that Wednesday when my grandma called me and I didn’t pick up because I was watching Desperate Housewives, I told my self that I would call her the day after but just never got around to it.. And on Monday she had died… I wish I would have gotten a chance to say goodbye, but I just didn’t even think it was close to being her time to go.. I thought I had all the time in the world, I just didn’t… I wonder if she knew how much I loved her… I wonder if she knows how much I miss her… I wish I could turn back time so I could tell them all, just one more time…

So today I’m still dreaming, just not about winning that grand prize in the lottery, but dreaming that they know how much I care and how much I love and miss them… It’s so empty without them, so empty…..

So my wonderful grandparents if you’re up there somewhere, I love you and miss you every single day……


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s