Phase 1 part three !!
This is when my life really changed! My granddad didn’t die immediately. He went to the hospital and stayed there for weeks.. However he had lost the will to live, he was paralyzed in one side of his body and had lost the ability to speak. I had such a hard time going to the hospital visiting him – so I didn’t. I think I went to visit him twice and that was it and I didn’t know what to say or what to do. He didn’t look like him self and it was just so difficult for me, seeing him like that. At the same time I couldn’t help thinking if only I had gone with them that day, then maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I felt guilty and at the same time felt guilty for not visiting him. But I was sure that he would survive, it didn’t even cross my mind that he could die, maybe I was in denial or something but I was just so sure that he would get through it..
So that evening when my mom came to my room to tell me that it was only a matter of time before he’d pass away, I just didn’t believe it !! She asked me if I wanted to come with her to the hospital to say goodbye, or if I wanted to wait till next morning… well I wanted to wait, I just had to process what she had just told me, cause I couldn’t believe it. My mom had told me that it would probably be between 5-11 days so I thought I had loads of time. I remember thinking that next morning I would go up there and I would beg him to stay alive. I would tell him how I couldn’t live without him in my life, I would tell him how much he meant to me and that he just had to keep fighting. If not for him then for me.. That evening I planned everything I would say, and I was sure that that would make him fight, I was sure that would make him survive….
Next morning my mom came to my room again, to wake me up I thought, but I could see in her eyes that something was wrong; she didn’t even have to say it, I knew it and then she said it anyways… “I’m so sorry honey, but granddad passed away”
This was when my life changed, this was when it went from being carefree and happy to filled with guilt, sorrow, pain and dark dark thoughts. This was the beginning of the hardest part of my life….