Phase 1 part three !!

Phase 1 part three !!

This is when my life really changed! My granddad didn’t die immediately. He went to the hospital and stayed there for weeks.. However he had lost the will to live, he was paralyzed in one side of his body and had lost the ability to speak. I had such a hard time going to the hospital visiting him – so I didn’t. I think I went to visit him twice and that was it and I didn’t know what to say or what to do. He didn’t look like him self and it was just so difficult for me, seeing him like that. At the same time I couldn’t help thinking if only I had gone with them that day, then maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I felt guilty and at the same time felt guilty for not visiting him. But I was sure that he would survive, it didn’t even cross my mind that he could die, maybe I was in denial or something but I was just so sure that he would get through it..

So that evening when my mom came to my room to tell me that it was only a matter of time before he’d pass away, I just didn’t believe it !! She asked me if I wanted to come with her to the hospital to say goodbye, or if I wanted to wait till next morning… well I wanted to wait, I just had to process what she had just told me, cause I couldn’t believe it. My mom had told me that it would probably be between 5-11 days so I thought I had loads of time. I remember thinking that next morning I would go up there and I would beg him to stay alive. I would tell him how I couldn’t live without him in my life, I would tell him how much he meant to me and that he just had to keep fighting. If not for him then for me.. That evening I planned everything I would say, and I was sure that that would make him fight, I was sure that would make him survive….

Next morning my mom came to my room again, to wake me up I thought, but I could see in her eyes that something was wrong; she didn’t even have to say it, I knew it and then she said it anyways… “I’m so sorry honey, but granddad passed away”

This was when my life changed, this was when it went from being carefree and happy to filled with guilt, sorrow, pain and dark dark thoughts. This was the beginning of the hardest part of my life….

Phase 1 part two !!

Phase 1 part two !!

First a little summary of my history and relationship with my grandparents… Ever since I was a little child, my grandparents on my fathers side was like my second parents.. I also had an amazing relationship with my other grandparents, but there was just this special bond with my dads parents. I would spend almost every weekend with them, and they’d spoil me like there was no tomorrow. We’d go for rides in the car every time I visited and in the summer we’d stop for ice-cream and in the winter we’d stop for chocolate. I’d be in the backseat enjoying every single minute of my time with them, I have SO many precious memories with them. Being with them was freedom, it was a place where I could be myself, and a place where I always felt appreciated and loved. I was never doubtful of their love for me, and we had so many little routines and traditions that nobody would probably understand, but that made so much sense to us.
I felt like I was the daughter they never had, and there was nothing better then being with them. When I got a little older and started going on sleepovers with my friends, my granddad was the one who would pick me up and drive me home when I missed my parents and wanted to go home. When it was raining and didn’t feel like riding my bike, I could always call my granddad and he’d pick me up. When I didn’t call to ask if I could come over, they’d call me, tell me they missed me and ask me if I wanted to come over. I loved them more than words can express and enjoyed every second of my time with them.

In about the 7th grade I started getting a little more busy with all of my friends so I didn’t spend as much time with them as I used to. And when I started 8th grade my time with them was even more limited. I didn’t have as many sleepovers with them and I wouldn’t go for as many car trips with them as I used to. I’d visit them of course and I’d call them, and they would never go on any of their little trips without calling me first, asking if I wanted to come. One day we had planned for me to go with them for a ride, but I was having so much fun with my friends that I called them last minute canceling our plan. I felt really guilty, but my granddad assured me that it was okay and not to worry about it “you can go with us next week” he said and that was the last conversation I had with him. My friends and I heard an ambulance that day, and talked about how it sounded to be close to where we were – this was just about 15 minutes after I had hung up on my granddad, but we didn’t think to much of it, and kept about our business. What I didn’t know at that time was that the ambulance was actually for my granddad and that he was actually only 150 meters away from where I was..! He had crashed his car in to a light pole, as he’d suffered a stroke while driving..!!! My life as I knew it had changed..!!

My life in three phases !!

My life in three phases.

So lately I’ve had this need of getting my life of my chest. You know like when you have some really really secret that nobody should know but you still just have this utter need of telling somebody about it.. That’s kinda how I feel… I need to tell someone, I don’t know why and I don’t know if it will help me in some weird way but still I just feel like telling it. And what better place than to share it here..? Not at a lot of people will see it, and those who do see it don’t know me and therefor cant really judge me for my life choices. And who knows maybe in some weird twisted way, getting it down on paper will help me realize why I have this huge need of dreaming. This annoying, irritating, stupid dreaming that I somehow cant seem to stop… Maybe telling my story, just seeing it in writing, maybe that will help me to stop..?! I don’t know, but than at least I’ve gotten it of my chest.. I will have gotten it of my chest and still somehow have kept it a secret… You see most of my friends obviously know my life story, but then again do they really know it..? I doubt it, maybe a couple of them but certainly not all of them..!! So who would wanna read my entire long and boring life story..? Well probably no one, but I will, and I will get it out there so maybe it feels like people know, so it feels like I told somebody, so it’s out…

So when I think of my life I think of it in different phases/stages.. The first stage was the time before I lost my grandfather.. Loosing him changed something in me, which is why my second life phase starts after loosing him.. Then comes the third life phase, the phase after I became a mother and also the phase I’m currently in, or well maybe I’m actually in my fourth phase, the dreamer phase.. I don’t know yet, but anyways here goes, my life in three phases….

Phase 1. Part one !!
– This is the phase of my life from when I was born till the time I lost my grandfather, or my ”Pre-grandad died period”

So I consider my upbringing quite good.. Actually I find myself really really fortunate. I have 3 amazing siblings, a mom and dad that till this day are still madly in love and grandparents that were extraordinary.. They were amazing actually, and I loved spending time with them more than anything. As the youngest of four children I got a lot of attention amongst my sisters, especially my next eldest sister really really looked after me in any way possible. She would be the one I went to if something was wrong, she was the one who rubbed my belly when it hurt and she was the one I would snuggle into when I couldn’t sleep. She was the one I told things to before anybody else, and she was the one I trusted more than anyone.. Being the youngest definitely had it’s benefits at least when I was little. When I got a little older it turned out to be more of a disadvantage but I’ll get back to that later.
As a child I always struggled a little with my self-confidence, I struggled with not always feeling good enough and generally I was a little fragile. At age 5 I was admitted to the hospital for 3 weeks cause I couldn’t hold anything down, my stomach hurt all the time, I kept throwing up and they couldn’t figure out why. They eventually came to the conclusion that it most likely was something psychological, and looking back I definitely think it was. However I don’t in any way feel that I had a bad or tough childhood, just the opposite in fact. Yeah I was a little fragile and a little sensitive maybe, and yeah I did get teased a little in school, but after my parents moved me to another school in the 3’rd grade everything changed, and I have so many amazing and beautiful memories from that time. I spend a lot of time with my amazing grandparents and had a lot of very good friends. From 3rd til 7th grade was an amazing period of my life. Everything was so innocent, so carefree and I didn’t have a lot of worries in my life. I had a lot of close and really really good friends and we had so much fun. We would go to the youth center several times a week and in about 6th or 7th grade boys started getting a little interesting too. As I got a little older I still struggled quite a bit with my self-confidence, I remember thinking that all of my friends were much prettier and much smarter than me. At the same time all of my friends started hitting puberty, and see I didn’t..! I actually was 15 before puberty set in – which also meant that I didn’t get boobs and curves like all the other girls. At the same time I guess I wasn’t really in the same place as them mentally – cause my hormones weren’t kicking in like everybody else’s. I didn’t really think there was anything I was really good at, but still I did rather well, and I did have a couple of things that I succeeded in -gymnastics and English.. I must say that I was actually the best in class when it came to English, so that really gave me some confidence. When I was in the 8’th grade my English really came to good use when this American girl started in my school. Soon we would become the best of friends, and it was about this time that I really started changing. I felt more and more left out, even though I really wasn’t, actually I hanged with the cool crowd, I guess I just didn’t always feel like I fit in. But again looking back it was probably also because I hadn’t hit puberty like all the other girls, and still I didn’t feel pretty and popular like they were. Looking back though I was popular, I just didn’t realize it at the time..!! The 8th grade was also the year that I lost my granddad.

Phase 1 part two will be uploaded soon but first a couple of my favorite songs from this phase… You see music has always played a huge role in my life and I guess I could easily divide my life in songs rather than phases, well anyways heres a couple of them…

When I listen to these songs I go back to age 5 or six and remember how my sisters would do my hair and make up while this was blowing out of their speakers in their room..

A little older now, my sister got a brand new record player and this was what she would play all the time 🙂 🙂 I loved sitting in her room listening to Madonna

8th grade and we LOVED this one

After I lost my grandad, Mariah Carey was on my stereo all the time…

 

I could have put tons of different music on here, but these are some of the most memorable for me.. 🙂 🙂 Gotta love the 80’ties and 90’ties…. 🙂

Seeking billionair -just to prove a point !

Okey so why is it, that only rich people says “money doesn’t make you happy” I mean seriously, how many times do you hear that coming from people struggling with financial issues…? Of course money would make them happy, off course it would make their life easier, of course it would buy them happiness… Come on seriously… It’s like when rich people give diet advise.. All you have to do is to put together a little fresh easy salat like

this  images-41  easy and fast.!  and then be sure to have a fresh smoothie with it

images-43    stay organic at all times images-42

and preferably with no less than 100 healthy organic ingredients… easy right? Uhh and then be sure to do pilates, yoga, and cardio everyday, EASY BREASY, Uhh and also be sure to meditate at least once a day, preferably on a quiet spot…

Well DUH you have a private chef, a maid to do your grocery shopping, a driver and a personal trainer.. You have a nanny to take care of your kids, and to take them to their ballet classes and football training, and while their away you have plenty of quit time to meditate at least once a day. You don’t have a 9-5 job and don’t have to stress or work several jobs to make ends meet, and you have an accountant to be sure your bills are paid on time -others can’t even pay their bills, and they have to prioritize which bills are more important… And now you might be thinking that most rich people actually worked their but of at one point to get to where they are right? And yeah thats true in some cases, but all of those people had a gift of some sort that not all people have…!!

So dreams CAN’T come true for everybody.! You CAN’T always do what makes you happy and you CAN’T always aim for the stars, cause sometimes theres just to many clouds  to even catch a glimpse of them..  I mean what is my gift..? Being a great mother? Yeah I’m good at being a mother, but does that make me rich..?? NO !!!! What if I don’t have other talents than that, then what do I do, then how do I get rich..? Can I even get people to read my blog..???!!! And can that make me rich…??? NO !!! So what do I and a lot of other people with no “money making talents” do  -we dream…. And dream and dream and dream…

Dream of meeting that rich man, dream of winning the lottery, dream that somewhere out there we have a rich uncle from whom we inherit billions of dollars, dream that somehow we magically receive some sort of talent a talent we didn’t even know we possesed so we can get rich fast. We enter countless online contests hoping to be the one who wins, use our last savings on lottery tickets, cause who knows maybe this time it’s our turn . The hours and hours and hours and hours I’ve used dreaming my life away, the hundred of hours I’ve used trying to figure out what talent I have, if any, the thousands of minutes I’ve wondered how to make money -what path to choose in life, the billions of seconds I’ve spend researching the internet hoping that all of the sudden it would be right there in front of me, that path, that perfect job, that perfect education that screams ME… And still at an age of 35 I still haven’t figured out what it is, what my purpose is..??

I don’t need 10 cars, I don’t need a house on each continent, I don’t need a private jet, I don’t need  a thousand pairs of Manolo Blaniks in my closet, I don’t need a castle and beachfront view.. All I wish for, is for me, my family and those close to me, to be freed of their financial burdens.. I wish for those I love that they could stop worrying, stop stressing about the bills, just be able to take a trip to where ever they wanna go when ever they want to go. I wish for myself and for those I love that they could choose whether or not they wanted to dedicate their time to work or to their children and family.. You see theres nothing I want more than to be a stay at home mom !!! I would dedicate my time to my to my children, my family those I love, and I would spend time on the internet not dreaming, but researching which causes I would donate money to, and I would search for ways that I with my newfound wealth could help where it’s needed.. In my country stay at home moms unfortunately don’t exist.. It’s not an option in my country or at least not for many.. And for most people it’s not even a wish.. Cause you see they’ve already found their purpose, they’ve found their path they’ve found that job that actually make them happy, that job that they can’t wait to get to in the morning…. If only I also had that maybe I too would be satisfied, but I don’t have that, so I’m not happy… If only I won the lottery, then I could be a stay at home mom and then I could tell the world that that is my path, my purpose and that is the life I choose to live because I have the money to back it up..!

So dear billionaire if you’re out there and if you’re one of those who said that money not everything, and if you somehow magically read this post.. I’ll prove you wrong, I’ll prove to you that money DOES in fact make you happy, and I’ll gladly accept how ever many billions or millions that you want to give me – just so I can prove my point…!!!

Until then – I’ll keep dreaming and when I’m already dreaming why not dream BIG, after all it’s just a dream 🙂 🙂

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