No House, no Car, No money – but a baby in my tummy.!!

Yeah so a lot has happened these last couple of months, a long hard roller coaster ride  filled with chaos and emotions, and a whole freaking lot of them..!!

So saturday feburary 14th I found out I was pregnant !!!!! I couldn’t believe it and for a week or so I kept taking pregnancy tests every single day – after taking 14 pregnancy tests I finally believed that I was pregnant. In the past I’ve had a couple of miscarriges though so I didn’t want to say anything to anyone – including my boyfriend – before I was sure that everything was okey.. I mean if I was gonna loose the baby anyways I didn’t see any reason to cause chaos in our relationship.. So I made an appointment for an early ultrasound at 7+4 weeks pregnant and my plan was to tell him after that – depending on the result of course.. However my oldest daughter figured it out a couple of days prior to the ultrasound so I felt that I had to tell him so she didnt have to keep secrets from her dad. And so I told him..!! And thats when the chaos started….

He got absolutely pissed..! I had expected him to get angry as he really doesn’t want more kids, but I don’t think I had quite expected the reaction I got. He basically told me to get an abortion or move out..!!! He was such an A-hole and I can’t even begin to tell you all the things he did.. He drew our daughters in it, and totally manipulated them – told them that we had to move out of his house, and if mommy kept the baby they would never ever go on any trips again, no vacations, no skiing,  they would never get any cool clothes and well he basically told them that life as they knew it would end if I kept the baby. And also told them that an abortion was EASY cause it wasn’t even a real child yet and all I had to do was eat a pill… GOD…… My poor kids… They were so confused and sad and didn’t know how to react. When I had told my kids that I was having a baby they were over the moon of joy, cause they – much like me, have always wanted a baby brother/sister and they literally jumped of joy when I told them. But after all he said they didn’t know what to do, and both of them were really sad, cause obviously non of them wants to move.. And they both know that moving away also means that their lives will change drastically due to the fact that I have Absolutely NO money what so ever..

I mean who is he to drag the kids in to it this way… and how childish is that… Grow up and take responsibility for your actions..!!!! I have never ever hidden the fact that I was dreaming of more children NEVER.. I wasn’t on the pill which he knew, and he also knew that if I ever got pregnant I would never ever dream of an abortion – that just isn’t an obtion for me…!!! So I’ve been straight and upfront with everything, and he too has a responsibility too take the precautions that is needed not to have kids, it’s not my responsibility alone..!!! Fact of the matter is that HE was the one not being careful enough and bam a baby landed in my tummy…!!! He’s had the obtion of getting fixed but he never did.. So its not like its my fault, he too is to blame…!!! AArrgghh soooo angry with him…. So now here I am, I can’t afford moving out and I have NOTHING no furniture, no money, oh and yeah now I don’t even have a car anymore..!!!!

You see as if it wasn’t bad enough already I got involved in a car accident a couple of weeks ago and totaled my car 😦 An older couple failed to see a full stop sign and bursted right out in front of me – causing me to drive directly in to the side of their car with 50 km. pr. hour.. My car was totaled and I also got a nice little bonus of getting a whiplash in the accident..

So on top of my exams, taking care of two kids, being pregnant with extreme fatigue and all that follows, having a whiplash injury, having NO money and NO car I also have to figure out how to find a decent place for me and my kids to live, and have to figure out how to get some money so I actually can move… AAAAARRRRHHHHHH everything just seems SO f***ed up right now…!!!!

And worst of all, even though I should hate him and despise him for what he’s putting us through I still love him.??!! And even though I feel unlucky due to my circumstances, I still feel lucky that I’m actually pregnant, and even though I feel unlucky that I got into a car accident, I feel lucky that I got away with a whiplash injury – it could have been so much worse… So I feel SO absolutely unlucky right now, but at the same time lucky…. My life is just ONE big mess right now….

So now I don’t dream of diamond rings, I don’t dream of rolex watches, I don’t dream of mansions and rangerovers… I simply dream of everything working out soon… I dream of peace of mind for my kids and my self, I dream of enjoying my pregnancy instead of it being filled with chaos… So I dream and I dream and I dream….. PLEASE somebody – anybody… Let this dream come true…!!!!

 

What to do, when you hate what you do..???

WARNING : pathetic and somewhat self-pitying post ahead………

So from now on and the next 6 weeks forward, I absolutely HATE Tuesdays… Had the worst day ever today – the assignments that I have on tuesdays are just impossible and I have no idea how to make it better.. I simply can’t handle it….. AARRHHGG just hate that I chose this education some times.. But how was I to know that it would be all wrong for me.?! At the time I thought it was perfect, and after a while it’s just to late to change direction. So I have absolutely NO choice.. I’m stuck having to do something for a living that I hate doing, and for the rest of my life…. 😦 😦  So if you sometimes wonder why I spend so much time dreaming my life away, well this is why..

My reality is soooo depressing and irritating, that in order to get thru the days of my shitty life, I have to dream a little.. I feel like I’m in a state of panic – I’m really panicking cause what do I do… I don’t wanna do this anymore, but in reality I have no choice and theres only 8 months left of a 4 year long education so I have to finish what I started, it’s just so hard…!!! If I ever was to win the lottery I would without a doubt drop out of my education in a heartbeat cause I really really hate this.. I mean I love going to school cause I have amazing friends there, and we have a lot of fun together. The entire environment at my school is perfect and that I’m gonna miss like crazy when I’m done.. But these “internships” we have once a year, OMG they are just draining me. I feel like it’s one big charade, and seriously – if I was an actor, I would be nominated for an oscar.. Thats how good an actor I am in my internships. I put on a fake smile and a pretend attitude, go to “work” and then when I come home I’m done… I have no energy for anything – not even my poor kids.. And it makes me feel so sick… Worst part of it all….. my debt… I hate that I owe that much money, around 80000$ to be exact, 70 of them in student loans alone.. student loans that I’ve had to take to make ends meet – student loans for an education that I absolutely hate…. I which I had made smarter choices when I was young – but I didn’t and now here I am, forced to do something that I hate doing for the rest of my life. Living with a debt that I’ll never be able to pay of..  I mean it will seriously hunt me till I grow old and grey, and I probably won’t even have paid it of by the time I go to my grave… And that debt, well that’s what makes me stuck in my relationship, a relationship that I know deep down isn’t healthy for me, a relationship that is more practically based than romantically based, a relationship thats build on all the wrong things really..

So you see I feel like my life is like this crazy carrousel ride, that just spins and spins, making me dizzy and nauseous with no possibility of getting of and catching my breath.. I had to get an education in order to be able to someday get a job – I had to take student loans for that education in order to make ends meet – I had to stay in my unhealthy relationship in order to have a roof over my head and in order to give my daughters all they need – I have to abide to my boyfriends wishes and needs in order to be able to stay with him, meaning no more  kids for me, no marriage for me, living alone with the kids till they move away from home….. I know I’m sounding really pathetic right now, but sometimes I think it’s alright to feel a little sorry for yourself and thats what I’m doing today…..

I’m just sick and tired of just being content with my life…. I miss feeling happy, you know truly happy…. I often wonder if there are people out there who feels happy every single day, I mean do some people wake up in the morning thinking “What a beautiful day – love my life” or do most people wake up feeling like I do “Ohh no another day, wish I could stay in bed and live my life like one big vacation”…..

I just want a life like Kim Kardashians – except I don’t have the looks for that.. Just want a life like Angelina Jolies with loads of kids, acting for a living – except I don’t have the talent for that.. Just want a life like Paris Hiltons, partying and making perfumes for a living – except I don’t have a rich dad like hers to make that happen… Just want a life like Yolanda or one of the other “real housewives of Beverly Hills”, except my boyfriend is not even close to as rich as them… I just want some sort of talent, something that I’m really good at and something that can make me a lot of money somehow… OR just simply the talent of being happy with what I have… I just wanna be happy, like truly happy…. I just don’t wanna worry anymore.. Worry about money, worry about the future, worry about my stupid education, worry about my family, worry about my kids.. It seems like all I do in life is worry and act… Act like everything is okey when actually it’s not..!! If it was, I probably wouldn’t have a need to dream my life away, a need to write this blog, a need to hide my true feelings from my surroundings, cause I’d be busy living my perfect life..

I just want OUT… I’m panicking, I need a solution NOW, I can’t take it anymore… I want OUT………………… out out out out……

So you see, today is a really – pardon my french – shitty day… I guess tomorrow everything will be better, but for now – for today – I’m feeling pathetic and sorry for myself… So now it’s out and now I can get of the crazy carousel ride and take a breath…!!!! And tomorrow I’ll get right back on that crazy ride…

Just another day in a daydreamers life