Phase 1 part two !!

Phase 1 part two !!

First a little summary of my history and relationship with my grandparents… Ever since I was a little child, my grandparents on my fathers side was like my second parents.. I also had an amazing relationship with my other grandparents, but there was just this special bond with my dads parents. I would spend almost every weekend with them, and they’d spoil me like there was no tomorrow. We’d go for rides in the car every time I visited and in the summer we’d stop for ice-cream and in the winter we’d stop for chocolate. I’d be in the backseat enjoying every single minute of my time with them, I have SO many precious memories with them. Being with them was freedom, it was a place where I could be myself, and a place where I always felt appreciated and loved. I was never doubtful of their love for me, and we had so many little routines and traditions that nobody would probably understand, but that made so much sense to us.
I felt like I was the daughter they never had, and there was nothing better then being with them. When I got a little older and started going on sleepovers with my friends, my granddad was the one who would pick me up and drive me home when I missed my parents and wanted to go home. When it was raining and didn’t feel like riding my bike, I could always call my granddad and he’d pick me up. When I didn’t call to ask if I could come over, they’d call me, tell me they missed me and ask me if I wanted to come over. I loved them more than words can express and enjoyed every second of my time with them.

In about the 7th grade I started getting a little more busy with all of my friends so I didn’t spend as much time with them as I used to. And when I started 8th grade my time with them was even more limited. I didn’t have as many sleepovers with them and I wouldn’t go for as many car trips with them as I used to. I’d visit them of course and I’d call them, and they would never go on any of their little trips without calling me first, asking if I wanted to come. One day we had planned for me to go with them for a ride, but I was having so much fun with my friends that I called them last minute canceling our plan. I felt really guilty, but my granddad assured me that it was okay and not to worry about it “you can go with us next week” he said and that was the last conversation I had with him. My friends and I heard an ambulance that day, and talked about how it sounded to be close to where we were – this was just about 15 minutes after I had hung up on my granddad, but we didn’t think to much of it, and kept about our business. What I didn’t know at that time was that the ambulance was actually for my granddad and that he was actually only 150 meters away from where I was..! He had crashed his car in to a light pole, as he’d suffered a stroke while driving..!!! My life as I knew it had changed..!!

My life in three phases !!

My life in three phases.

So lately I’ve had this need of getting my life of my chest. You know like when you have some really really secret that nobody should know but you still just have this utter need of telling somebody about it.. That’s kinda how I feel… I need to tell someone, I don’t know why and I don’t know if it will help me in some weird way but still I just feel like telling it. And what better place than to share it here..? Not at a lot of people will see it, and those who do see it don’t know me and therefor cant really judge me for my life choices. And who knows maybe in some weird twisted way, getting it down on paper will help me realize why I have this huge need of dreaming. This annoying, irritating, stupid dreaming that I somehow cant seem to stop… Maybe telling my story, just seeing it in writing, maybe that will help me to stop..?! I don’t know, but than at least I’ve gotten it of my chest.. I will have gotten it of my chest and still somehow have kept it a secret… You see most of my friends obviously know my life story, but then again do they really know it..? I doubt it, maybe a couple of them but certainly not all of them..!! So who would wanna read my entire long and boring life story..? Well probably no one, but I will, and I will get it out there so maybe it feels like people know, so it feels like I told somebody, so it’s out…

So when I think of my life I think of it in different phases/stages.. The first stage was the time before I lost my grandfather.. Loosing him changed something in me, which is why my second life phase starts after loosing him.. Then comes the third life phase, the phase after I became a mother and also the phase I’m currently in, or well maybe I’m actually in my fourth phase, the dreamer phase.. I don’t know yet, but anyways here goes, my life in three phases….

Phase 1. Part one !!
– This is the phase of my life from when I was born till the time I lost my grandfather, or my ”Pre-grandad died period”

So I consider my upbringing quite good.. Actually I find myself really really fortunate. I have 3 amazing siblings, a mom and dad that till this day are still madly in love and grandparents that were extraordinary.. They were amazing actually, and I loved spending time with them more than anything. As the youngest of four children I got a lot of attention amongst my sisters, especially my next eldest sister really really looked after me in any way possible. She would be the one I went to if something was wrong, she was the one who rubbed my belly when it hurt and she was the one I would snuggle into when I couldn’t sleep. She was the one I told things to before anybody else, and she was the one I trusted more than anyone.. Being the youngest definitely had it’s benefits at least when I was little. When I got a little older it turned out to be more of a disadvantage but I’ll get back to that later.
As a child I always struggled a little with my self-confidence, I struggled with not always feeling good enough and generally I was a little fragile. At age 5 I was admitted to the hospital for 3 weeks cause I couldn’t hold anything down, my stomach hurt all the time, I kept throwing up and they couldn’t figure out why. They eventually came to the conclusion that it most likely was something psychological, and looking back I definitely think it was. However I don’t in any way feel that I had a bad or tough childhood, just the opposite in fact. Yeah I was a little fragile and a little sensitive maybe, and yeah I did get teased a little in school, but after my parents moved me to another school in the 3’rd grade everything changed, and I have so many amazing and beautiful memories from that time. I spend a lot of time with my amazing grandparents and had a lot of very good friends. From 3rd til 7th grade was an amazing period of my life. Everything was so innocent, so carefree and I didn’t have a lot of worries in my life. I had a lot of close and really really good friends and we had so much fun. We would go to the youth center several times a week and in about 6th or 7th grade boys started getting a little interesting too. As I got a little older I still struggled quite a bit with my self-confidence, I remember thinking that all of my friends were much prettier and much smarter than me. At the same time all of my friends started hitting puberty, and see I didn’t..! I actually was 15 before puberty set in – which also meant that I didn’t get boobs and curves like all the other girls. At the same time I guess I wasn’t really in the same place as them mentally – cause my hormones weren’t kicking in like everybody else’s. I didn’t really think there was anything I was really good at, but still I did rather well, and I did have a couple of things that I succeeded in -gymnastics and English.. I must say that I was actually the best in class when it came to English, so that really gave me some confidence. When I was in the 8’th grade my English really came to good use when this American girl started in my school. Soon we would become the best of friends, and it was about this time that I really started changing. I felt more and more left out, even though I really wasn’t, actually I hanged with the cool crowd, I guess I just didn’t always feel like I fit in. But again looking back it was probably also because I hadn’t hit puberty like all the other girls, and still I didn’t feel pretty and popular like they were. Looking back though I was popular, I just didn’t realize it at the time..!! The 8th grade was also the year that I lost my granddad.

Phase 1 part two will be uploaded soon but first a couple of my favorite songs from this phase… You see music has always played a huge role in my life and I guess I could easily divide my life in songs rather than phases, well anyways heres a couple of them…

When I listen to these songs I go back to age 5 or six and remember how my sisters would do my hair and make up while this was blowing out of their speakers in their room..

A little older now, my sister got a brand new record player and this was what she would play all the time 🙂 🙂 I loved sitting in her room listening to Madonna

8th grade and we LOVED this one

After I lost my grandad, Mariah Carey was on my stereo all the time…

 

I could have put tons of different music on here, but these are some of the most memorable for me.. 🙂 🙂 Gotta love the 80’ties and 90’ties…. 🙂

Today it’s not about winning…

So today I’ve had a day of reminiscing.. I really really miss my beautiful amazing grandparents today, and still haven’t gotten used to the idea of not having grandparents anymore.. It’s weird how all of the sudden, you find you’re self all grown up, with your own family getting one step closer to when my own parents will be next in line.. I guess I feel like the 35 years I’ve lived really just flew by in a beat of a second… If theres anything I would wish for today, it would be the power of traveling in time.. I would go back to when I was 11 years old when everything was just fun and carefree and when I still had my grandparents…

I would spend one night with each set of grandparents just enjoying every single second and remembering to tell them how much I loved them. I’d enjoy being spoiled and I would take in that special smell of home cooked meals made with love that I still sometimes smell.. After that I’d go back to the family vacations to the mountains, with no TV, phones or computers in the cabin, just enjoying each others company playing cards at the table and going for long walks in the mountains. Just me and my family, just happy carefree times… And then I’d go back to life changing moments that I somehow wish I would have done differently.. I’d go back to that night when I was 14 years old and my mom came to my room to tell me that my grandad was dying.. She asked med if I wanted to come say goodbye, but I didn’t… you see I thought I had more time, my mom said that it would probably be about a week, so I said to her that I’d wait till morning… The next morning she came to my room again, this time to tell me he died during the night… That moment changed something inside me.. For many many years and maybe even a little bit still to this day, I blamed myself for his passing.. I was convinced that had I only went to visit him on the hospital, had I only begged him to fight, had I only told him how much I loved him, had I only hugged him and kissed him… Well then maybe he’d still be here today.. For many years I carried this guilt with me, and I never told a soul about it… Not until my adulthood have I been able to see that it was out of my hands, there was nothing I could have said or done that would have made him fight… But still, still I sometimes find my self wondering, and to this day I regret that I didn’t kiss him goodbye… And I’m scared that he felt abandoned and unloved by me when he layed there on the hospital alone and dying… Did he know I loved him…??? I guess I’ll never find out, but deep down I tell myself that he knew, he had to…. I wonder how my life would have turned out, had I had a chance to say goodbye.. I think it would have turned out very different, very different…

I’d go back to that Wednesday when my grandma called me and I didn’t pick up because I was watching Desperate Housewives, I told my self that I would call her the day after but just never got around to it.. And on Monday she had died… I wish I would have gotten a chance to say goodbye, but I just didn’t even think it was close to being her time to go.. I thought I had all the time in the world, I just didn’t… I wonder if she knew how much I loved her… I wonder if she knows how much I miss her… I wish I could turn back time so I could tell them all, just one more time…

So today I’m still dreaming, just not about winning that grand prize in the lottery, but dreaming that they know how much I care and how much I love and miss them… It’s so empty without them, so empty…..

So my wonderful grandparents if you’re up there somewhere, I love you and miss you every single day……