My life in three phases !!

My life in three phases.

So lately I’ve had this need of getting my life of my chest. You know like when you have some really really secret that nobody should know but you still just have this utter need of telling somebody about it.. That’s kinda how I feel… I need to tell someone, I don’t know why and I don’t know if it will help me in some weird way but still I just feel like telling it. And what better place than to share it here..? Not at a lot of people will see it, and those who do see it don’t know me and therefor cant really judge me for my life choices. And who knows maybe in some weird twisted way, getting it down on paper will help me realize why I have this huge need of dreaming. This annoying, irritating, stupid dreaming that I somehow cant seem to stop… Maybe telling my story, just seeing it in writing, maybe that will help me to stop..?! I don’t know, but than at least I’ve gotten it of my chest.. I will have gotten it of my chest and still somehow have kept it a secret… You see most of my friends obviously know my life story, but then again do they really know it..? I doubt it, maybe a couple of them but certainly not all of them..!! So who would wanna read my entire long and boring life story..? Well probably no one, but I will, and I will get it out there so maybe it feels like people know, so it feels like I told somebody, so it’s out…

So when I think of my life I think of it in different phases/stages.. The first stage was the time before I lost my grandfather.. Loosing him changed something in me, which is why my second life phase starts after loosing him.. Then comes the third life phase, the phase after I became a mother and also the phase I’m currently in, or well maybe I’m actually in my fourth phase, the dreamer phase.. I don’t know yet, but anyways here goes, my life in three phases….

Phase 1. Part one !!
– This is the phase of my life from when I was born till the time I lost my grandfather, or my ”Pre-grandad died period”

So I consider my upbringing quite good.. Actually I find myself really really fortunate. I have 3 amazing siblings, a mom and dad that till this day are still madly in love and grandparents that were extraordinary.. They were amazing actually, and I loved spending time with them more than anything. As the youngest of four children I got a lot of attention amongst my sisters, especially my next eldest sister really really looked after me in any way possible. She would be the one I went to if something was wrong, she was the one who rubbed my belly when it hurt and she was the one I would snuggle into when I couldn’t sleep. She was the one I told things to before anybody else, and she was the one I trusted more than anyone.. Being the youngest definitely had it’s benefits at least when I was little. When I got a little older it turned out to be more of a disadvantage but I’ll get back to that later.
As a child I always struggled a little with my self-confidence, I struggled with not always feeling good enough and generally I was a little fragile. At age 5 I was admitted to the hospital for 3 weeks cause I couldn’t hold anything down, my stomach hurt all the time, I kept throwing up and they couldn’t figure out why. They eventually came to the conclusion that it most likely was something psychological, and looking back I definitely think it was. However I don’t in any way feel that I had a bad or tough childhood, just the opposite in fact. Yeah I was a little fragile and a little sensitive maybe, and yeah I did get teased a little in school, but after my parents moved me to another school in the 3’rd grade everything changed, and I have so many amazing and beautiful memories from that time. I spend a lot of time with my amazing grandparents and had a lot of very good friends. From 3rd til 7th grade was an amazing period of my life. Everything was so innocent, so carefree and I didn’t have a lot of worries in my life. I had a lot of close and really really good friends and we had so much fun. We would go to the youth center several times a week and in about 6th or 7th grade boys started getting a little interesting too. As I got a little older I still struggled quite a bit with my self-confidence, I remember thinking that all of my friends were much prettier and much smarter than me. At the same time all of my friends started hitting puberty, and see I didn’t..! I actually was 15 before puberty set in – which also meant that I didn’t get boobs and curves like all the other girls. At the same time I guess I wasn’t really in the same place as them mentally – cause my hormones weren’t kicking in like everybody else’s. I didn’t really think there was anything I was really good at, but still I did rather well, and I did have a couple of things that I succeeded in -gymnastics and English.. I must say that I was actually the best in class when it came to English, so that really gave me some confidence. When I was in the 8’th grade my English really came to good use when this American girl started in my school. Soon we would become the best of friends, and it was about this time that I really started changing. I felt more and more left out, even though I really wasn’t, actually I hanged with the cool crowd, I guess I just didn’t always feel like I fit in. But again looking back it was probably also because I hadn’t hit puberty like all the other girls, and still I didn’t feel pretty and popular like they were. Looking back though I was popular, I just didn’t realize it at the time..!! The 8th grade was also the year that I lost my granddad.

Phase 1 part two will be uploaded soon but first a couple of my favorite songs from this phase… You see music has always played a huge role in my life and I guess I could easily divide my life in songs rather than phases, well anyways heres a couple of them…

When I listen to these songs I go back to age 5 or six and remember how my sisters would do my hair and make up while this was blowing out of their speakers in their room..

A little older now, my sister got a brand new record player and this was what she would play all the time 🙂 🙂 I loved sitting in her room listening to Madonna

8th grade and we LOVED this one

After I lost my grandad, Mariah Carey was on my stereo all the time…

 

I could have put tons of different music on here, but these are some of the most memorable for me.. 🙂 🙂 Gotta love the 80’ties and 90’ties…. 🙂

What to do, when you hate what you do..???

WARNING : pathetic and somewhat self-pitying post ahead………

So from now on and the next 6 weeks forward, I absolutely HATE Tuesdays… Had the worst day ever today – the assignments that I have on tuesdays are just impossible and I have no idea how to make it better.. I simply can’t handle it….. AARRHHGG just hate that I chose this education some times.. But how was I to know that it would be all wrong for me.?! At the time I thought it was perfect, and after a while it’s just to late to change direction. So I have absolutely NO choice.. I’m stuck having to do something for a living that I hate doing, and for the rest of my life…. 😦 😦  So if you sometimes wonder why I spend so much time dreaming my life away, well this is why..

My reality is soooo depressing and irritating, that in order to get thru the days of my shitty life, I have to dream a little.. I feel like I’m in a state of panic – I’m really panicking cause what do I do… I don’t wanna do this anymore, but in reality I have no choice and theres only 8 months left of a 4 year long education so I have to finish what I started, it’s just so hard…!!! If I ever was to win the lottery I would without a doubt drop out of my education in a heartbeat cause I really really hate this.. I mean I love going to school cause I have amazing friends there, and we have a lot of fun together. The entire environment at my school is perfect and that I’m gonna miss like crazy when I’m done.. But these “internships” we have once a year, OMG they are just draining me. I feel like it’s one big charade, and seriously – if I was an actor, I would be nominated for an oscar.. Thats how good an actor I am in my internships. I put on a fake smile and a pretend attitude, go to “work” and then when I come home I’m done… I have no energy for anything – not even my poor kids.. And it makes me feel so sick… Worst part of it all….. my debt… I hate that I owe that much money, around 80000$ to be exact, 70 of them in student loans alone.. student loans that I’ve had to take to make ends meet – student loans for an education that I absolutely hate…. I which I had made smarter choices when I was young – but I didn’t and now here I am, forced to do something that I hate doing for the rest of my life. Living with a debt that I’ll never be able to pay of..  I mean it will seriously hunt me till I grow old and grey, and I probably won’t even have paid it of by the time I go to my grave… And that debt, well that’s what makes me stuck in my relationship, a relationship that I know deep down isn’t healthy for me, a relationship that is more practically based than romantically based, a relationship thats build on all the wrong things really..

So you see I feel like my life is like this crazy carrousel ride, that just spins and spins, making me dizzy and nauseous with no possibility of getting of and catching my breath.. I had to get an education in order to be able to someday get a job – I had to take student loans for that education in order to make ends meet – I had to stay in my unhealthy relationship in order to have a roof over my head and in order to give my daughters all they need – I have to abide to my boyfriends wishes and needs in order to be able to stay with him, meaning no more  kids for me, no marriage for me, living alone with the kids till they move away from home….. I know I’m sounding really pathetic right now, but sometimes I think it’s alright to feel a little sorry for yourself and thats what I’m doing today…..

I’m just sick and tired of just being content with my life…. I miss feeling happy, you know truly happy…. I often wonder if there are people out there who feels happy every single day, I mean do some people wake up in the morning thinking “What a beautiful day – love my life” or do most people wake up feeling like I do “Ohh no another day, wish I could stay in bed and live my life like one big vacation”…..

I just want a life like Kim Kardashians – except I don’t have the looks for that.. Just want a life like Angelina Jolies with loads of kids, acting for a living – except I don’t have the talent for that.. Just want a life like Paris Hiltons, partying and making perfumes for a living – except I don’t have a rich dad like hers to make that happen… Just want a life like Yolanda or one of the other “real housewives of Beverly Hills”, except my boyfriend is not even close to as rich as them… I just want some sort of talent, something that I’m really good at and something that can make me a lot of money somehow… OR just simply the talent of being happy with what I have… I just wanna be happy, like truly happy…. I just don’t wanna worry anymore.. Worry about money, worry about the future, worry about my stupid education, worry about my family, worry about my kids.. It seems like all I do in life is worry and act… Act like everything is okey when actually it’s not..!! If it was, I probably wouldn’t have a need to dream my life away, a need to write this blog, a need to hide my true feelings from my surroundings, cause I’d be busy living my perfect life..

I just want OUT… I’m panicking, I need a solution NOW, I can’t take it anymore… I want OUT………………… out out out out……

So you see, today is a really – pardon my french – shitty day… I guess tomorrow everything will be better, but for now – for today – I’m feeling pathetic and sorry for myself… So now it’s out and now I can get of the crazy carousel ride and take a breath…!!!! And tomorrow I’ll get right back on that crazy ride…

Just another day in a daydreamers life

Seeking billionair -just to prove a point !

Okey so why is it, that only rich people says “money doesn’t make you happy” I mean seriously, how many times do you hear that coming from people struggling with financial issues…? Of course money would make them happy, off course it would make their life easier, of course it would buy them happiness… Come on seriously… It’s like when rich people give diet advise.. All you have to do is to put together a little fresh easy salat like

this  images-41  easy and fast.!  and then be sure to have a fresh smoothie with it

images-43    stay organic at all times images-42

and preferably with no less than 100 healthy organic ingredients… easy right? Uhh and then be sure to do pilates, yoga, and cardio everyday, EASY BREASY, Uhh and also be sure to meditate at least once a day, preferably on a quiet spot…

Well DUH you have a private chef, a maid to do your grocery shopping, a driver and a personal trainer.. You have a nanny to take care of your kids, and to take them to their ballet classes and football training, and while their away you have plenty of quit time to meditate at least once a day. You don’t have a 9-5 job and don’t have to stress or work several jobs to make ends meet, and you have an accountant to be sure your bills are paid on time -others can’t even pay their bills, and they have to prioritize which bills are more important… And now you might be thinking that most rich people actually worked their but of at one point to get to where they are right? And yeah thats true in some cases, but all of those people had a gift of some sort that not all people have…!!

So dreams CAN’T come true for everybody.! You CAN’T always do what makes you happy and you CAN’T always aim for the stars, cause sometimes theres just to many clouds  to even catch a glimpse of them..  I mean what is my gift..? Being a great mother? Yeah I’m good at being a mother, but does that make me rich..?? NO !!!! What if I don’t have other talents than that, then what do I do, then how do I get rich..? Can I even get people to read my blog..???!!! And can that make me rich…??? NO !!! So what do I and a lot of other people with no “money making talents” do  -we dream…. And dream and dream and dream…

Dream of meeting that rich man, dream of winning the lottery, dream that somewhere out there we have a rich uncle from whom we inherit billions of dollars, dream that somehow we magically receive some sort of talent a talent we didn’t even know we possesed so we can get rich fast. We enter countless online contests hoping to be the one who wins, use our last savings on lottery tickets, cause who knows maybe this time it’s our turn . The hours and hours and hours and hours I’ve used dreaming my life away, the hundred of hours I’ve used trying to figure out what talent I have, if any, the thousands of minutes I’ve wondered how to make money -what path to choose in life, the billions of seconds I’ve spend researching the internet hoping that all of the sudden it would be right there in front of me, that path, that perfect job, that perfect education that screams ME… And still at an age of 35 I still haven’t figured out what it is, what my purpose is..??

I don’t need 10 cars, I don’t need a house on each continent, I don’t need a private jet, I don’t need  a thousand pairs of Manolo Blaniks in my closet, I don’t need a castle and beachfront view.. All I wish for, is for me, my family and those close to me, to be freed of their financial burdens.. I wish for those I love that they could stop worrying, stop stressing about the bills, just be able to take a trip to where ever they wanna go when ever they want to go. I wish for myself and for those I love that they could choose whether or not they wanted to dedicate their time to work or to their children and family.. You see theres nothing I want more than to be a stay at home mom !!! I would dedicate my time to my to my children, my family those I love, and I would spend time on the internet not dreaming, but researching which causes I would donate money to, and I would search for ways that I with my newfound wealth could help where it’s needed.. In my country stay at home moms unfortunately don’t exist.. It’s not an option in my country or at least not for many.. And for most people it’s not even a wish.. Cause you see they’ve already found their purpose, they’ve found their path they’ve found that job that actually make them happy, that job that they can’t wait to get to in the morning…. If only I also had that maybe I too would be satisfied, but I don’t have that, so I’m not happy… If only I won the lottery, then I could be a stay at home mom and then I could tell the world that that is my path, my purpose and that is the life I choose to live because I have the money to back it up..!

So dear billionaire if you’re out there and if you’re one of those who said that money not everything, and if you somehow magically read this post.. I’ll prove you wrong, I’ll prove to you that money DOES in fact make you happy, and I’ll gladly accept how ever many billions or millions that you want to give me – just so I can prove my point…!!!

Until then – I’ll keep dreaming and when I’m already dreaming why not dream BIG, after all it’s just a dream 🙂 🙂

images-44             images-47  images-45                    images-46

No winnings for me :( :(

Well as usual I didn’t win a single penny in the lottery yesterday, buhuu…. Actually I’m just having a total “downer day” today… I’m still broke, I miss my grandma, I’m not getting in better shape even though I’ve been running, swimming and doing other activities for more than 8 months now.. I just don’t get it, I mean I can still only run about a mile and then I loose my breath completely?? I mean I really can’t breath, whats the deal with that..? I’m beginning to think that something may be really wrong with my lungs or something.. And of course my best friend who always has been better at everything, started running a couple of weeks ago, and already she’s way better than me and can run 7 kilometers without a single break, and no loss of breath at all.. Just don’t get it AAARRGGHH so not fair :-/ :-/

And I really miss my grandma today, today it’s just over a week ago that we laid her to rest… It’s so weird that she’s not here anymore, but after all she was 93 years old and we were all there when she passed so I find a little comfort in knowing that she knew she was loved and cherished till the very end.. But still, it’s just so empty now.. I don’t have any grandparents anymore 😦 😦 But I had the best grandparents one could dream of.. They were truly amazing, and I’m lucky to have had them for so long, and for that I’m really grateful… All in all I really am really blessed with the family I have..

I am 35 years old, I have 2 beautiful, healthy and smart daughters. I have 3 sisters and I have 12 nephews and nieces – all of whom are also healthy, smart and beautiful.. I have my mom and dad, who till this day, still are totally in love and can’t spend as much as a day apart, and I had, as previously mentioned, the best grandparents in the world. I had the most idyllic, good, safe and happy childhood, so really I have nothing to complaint about.. I know I am more blessed than most people, so now you might be wondering what it is I’m dreaming about right? Cause I have it all right? Well yeah, I’m rich when it comes to family.. When it comes to family I’m a millionaire, I know.. But yet I can’t seem to stop dreaming my days away.. I wish that you could get a “stop dreaming” pill, and I would definitely take it.. But unfortunately those doesn’t exist.. So what do I do.. How do I stop..

Aaarrgghh I’m just having a downer day today.. A totally negative downer day… Nothing seems to be going my way today, at all.. Don’t even know why I’m spending my time writing this, it’s not like anybody’s gonna see it anyways… But well now it’s out so now I can get on with my day…

– JohanneMagrethe