No House, no Car, No money – but a baby in my tummy.!!

Yeah so a lot has happened these last couple of months, a long hard roller coaster ride  filled with chaos and emotions, and a whole freaking lot of them..!!

So saturday feburary 14th I found out I was pregnant !!!!! I couldn’t believe it and for a week or so I kept taking pregnancy tests every single day – after taking 14 pregnancy tests I finally believed that I was pregnant. In the past I’ve had a couple of miscarriges though so I didn’t want to say anything to anyone – including my boyfriend – before I was sure that everything was okey.. I mean if I was gonna loose the baby anyways I didn’t see any reason to cause chaos in our relationship.. So I made an appointment for an early ultrasound at 7+4 weeks pregnant and my plan was to tell him after that – depending on the result of course.. However my oldest daughter figured it out a couple of days prior to the ultrasound so I felt that I had to tell him so she didnt have to keep secrets from her dad. And so I told him..!! And thats when the chaos started….

He got absolutely pissed..! I had expected him to get angry as he really doesn’t want more kids, but I don’t think I had quite expected the reaction I got. He basically told me to get an abortion or move out..!!! He was such an A-hole and I can’t even begin to tell you all the things he did.. He drew our daughters in it, and totally manipulated them – told them that we had to move out of his house, and if mommy kept the baby they would never ever go on any trips again, no vacations, no skiing,  they would never get any cool clothes and well he basically told them that life as they knew it would end if I kept the baby. And also told them that an abortion was EASY cause it wasn’t even a real child yet and all I had to do was eat a pill… GOD…… My poor kids… They were so confused and sad and didn’t know how to react. When I had told my kids that I was having a baby they were over the moon of joy, cause they – much like me, have always wanted a baby brother/sister and they literally jumped of joy when I told them. But after all he said they didn’t know what to do, and both of them were really sad, cause obviously non of them wants to move.. And they both know that moving away also means that their lives will change drastically due to the fact that I have Absolutely NO money what so ever..

I mean who is he to drag the kids in to it this way… and how childish is that… Grow up and take responsibility for your actions..!!!! I have never ever hidden the fact that I was dreaming of more children NEVER.. I wasn’t on the pill which he knew, and he also knew that if I ever got pregnant I would never ever dream of an abortion – that just isn’t an obtion for me…!!! So I’ve been straight and upfront with everything, and he too has a responsibility too take the precautions that is needed not to have kids, it’s not my responsibility alone..!!! Fact of the matter is that HE was the one not being careful enough and bam a baby landed in my tummy…!!! He’s had the obtion of getting fixed but he never did.. So its not like its my fault, he too is to blame…!!! AArrgghh soooo angry with him…. So now here I am, I can’t afford moving out and I have NOTHING no furniture, no money, oh and yeah now I don’t even have a car anymore..!!!!

You see as if it wasn’t bad enough already I got involved in a car accident a couple of weeks ago and totaled my car 😦 An older couple failed to see a full stop sign and bursted right out in front of me – causing me to drive directly in to the side of their car with 50 km. pr. hour.. My car was totaled and I also got a nice little bonus of getting a whiplash in the accident..

So on top of my exams, taking care of two kids, being pregnant with extreme fatigue and all that follows, having a whiplash injury, having NO money and NO car I also have to figure out how to find a decent place for me and my kids to live, and have to figure out how to get some money so I actually can move… AAAAARRRRHHHHHH everything just seems SO f***ed up right now…!!!!

And worst of all, even though I should hate him and despise him for what he’s putting us through I still love him.??!! And even though I feel unlucky due to my circumstances, I still feel lucky that I’m actually pregnant, and even though I feel unlucky that I got into a car accident, I feel lucky that I got away with a whiplash injury – it could have been so much worse… So I feel SO absolutely unlucky right now, but at the same time lucky…. My life is just ONE big mess right now….

So now I don’t dream of diamond rings, I don’t dream of rolex watches, I don’t dream of mansions and rangerovers… I simply dream of everything working out soon… I dream of peace of mind for my kids and my self, I dream of enjoying my pregnancy instead of it being filled with chaos… So I dream and I dream and I dream….. PLEASE somebody – anybody… Let this dream come true…!!!!

 

My life in three phases !!

My life in three phases.

So lately I’ve had this need of getting my life of my chest. You know like when you have some really really secret that nobody should know but you still just have this utter need of telling somebody about it.. That’s kinda how I feel… I need to tell someone, I don’t know why and I don’t know if it will help me in some weird way but still I just feel like telling it. And what better place than to share it here..? Not at a lot of people will see it, and those who do see it don’t know me and therefor cant really judge me for my life choices. And who knows maybe in some weird twisted way, getting it down on paper will help me realize why I have this huge need of dreaming. This annoying, irritating, stupid dreaming that I somehow cant seem to stop… Maybe telling my story, just seeing it in writing, maybe that will help me to stop..?! I don’t know, but than at least I’ve gotten it of my chest.. I will have gotten it of my chest and still somehow have kept it a secret… You see most of my friends obviously know my life story, but then again do they really know it..? I doubt it, maybe a couple of them but certainly not all of them..!! So who would wanna read my entire long and boring life story..? Well probably no one, but I will, and I will get it out there so maybe it feels like people know, so it feels like I told somebody, so it’s out…

So when I think of my life I think of it in different phases/stages.. The first stage was the time before I lost my grandfather.. Loosing him changed something in me, which is why my second life phase starts after loosing him.. Then comes the third life phase, the phase after I became a mother and also the phase I’m currently in, or well maybe I’m actually in my fourth phase, the dreamer phase.. I don’t know yet, but anyways here goes, my life in three phases….

Phase 1. Part one !!
– This is the phase of my life from when I was born till the time I lost my grandfather, or my ”Pre-grandad died period”

So I consider my upbringing quite good.. Actually I find myself really really fortunate. I have 3 amazing siblings, a mom and dad that till this day are still madly in love and grandparents that were extraordinary.. They were amazing actually, and I loved spending time with them more than anything. As the youngest of four children I got a lot of attention amongst my sisters, especially my next eldest sister really really looked after me in any way possible. She would be the one I went to if something was wrong, she was the one who rubbed my belly when it hurt and she was the one I would snuggle into when I couldn’t sleep. She was the one I told things to before anybody else, and she was the one I trusted more than anyone.. Being the youngest definitely had it’s benefits at least when I was little. When I got a little older it turned out to be more of a disadvantage but I’ll get back to that later.
As a child I always struggled a little with my self-confidence, I struggled with not always feeling good enough and generally I was a little fragile. At age 5 I was admitted to the hospital for 3 weeks cause I couldn’t hold anything down, my stomach hurt all the time, I kept throwing up and they couldn’t figure out why. They eventually came to the conclusion that it most likely was something psychological, and looking back I definitely think it was. However I don’t in any way feel that I had a bad or tough childhood, just the opposite in fact. Yeah I was a little fragile and a little sensitive maybe, and yeah I did get teased a little in school, but after my parents moved me to another school in the 3’rd grade everything changed, and I have so many amazing and beautiful memories from that time. I spend a lot of time with my amazing grandparents and had a lot of very good friends. From 3rd til 7th grade was an amazing period of my life. Everything was so innocent, so carefree and I didn’t have a lot of worries in my life. I had a lot of close and really really good friends and we had so much fun. We would go to the youth center several times a week and in about 6th or 7th grade boys started getting a little interesting too. As I got a little older I still struggled quite a bit with my self-confidence, I remember thinking that all of my friends were much prettier and much smarter than me. At the same time all of my friends started hitting puberty, and see I didn’t..! I actually was 15 before puberty set in – which also meant that I didn’t get boobs and curves like all the other girls. At the same time I guess I wasn’t really in the same place as them mentally – cause my hormones weren’t kicking in like everybody else’s. I didn’t really think there was anything I was really good at, but still I did rather well, and I did have a couple of things that I succeeded in -gymnastics and English.. I must say that I was actually the best in class when it came to English, so that really gave me some confidence. When I was in the 8’th grade my English really came to good use when this American girl started in my school. Soon we would become the best of friends, and it was about this time that I really started changing. I felt more and more left out, even though I really wasn’t, actually I hanged with the cool crowd, I guess I just didn’t always feel like I fit in. But again looking back it was probably also because I hadn’t hit puberty like all the other girls, and still I didn’t feel pretty and popular like they were. Looking back though I was popular, I just didn’t realize it at the time..!! The 8th grade was also the year that I lost my granddad.

Phase 1 part two will be uploaded soon but first a couple of my favorite songs from this phase… You see music has always played a huge role in my life and I guess I could easily divide my life in songs rather than phases, well anyways heres a couple of them…

When I listen to these songs I go back to age 5 or six and remember how my sisters would do my hair and make up while this was blowing out of their speakers in their room..

A little older now, my sister got a brand new record player and this was what she would play all the time 🙂 🙂 I loved sitting in her room listening to Madonna

8th grade and we LOVED this one

After I lost my grandad, Mariah Carey was on my stereo all the time…

 

I could have put tons of different music on here, but these are some of the most memorable for me.. 🙂 🙂 Gotta love the 80’ties and 90’ties…. 🙂

A couple of crazy days !!!!!!

Wow so these last couple of days has been nothing less than crazy…

 It started out with me thinking that I actually might be pregnant.. I just had so many signs and I new that this time there was actually a chance.. I’ve dreamed of having more children for so many years now so I really really crossed my fingers, and on sunday I had this feeling that this was it and that two little babies hid in my tommy… On monday I went to school and unfortunately I had an accident during an attempt to do a handstand.. My stupid back said this wear noise and I could hardly get up of the floor.. It hurt SO bad and the 45 min. car-ride home was simply unbearable !!! But I god home, I just wasn’t able to move 😦 😦 😦 I literally couldn’t do anything, but lie down.. Every time I stood up, walked or sat down I just started crying of pain.. My poor kids didn’t know what to do, cause I was in so much pain BUHUUU.. The next day I went to the chiropractor in the hopes that he would be some kind of miracle maker, but NO.. Still in unbearable pain 😦 Wedensday Still in horrible pain and now a total mess, I couldn’t do anything at home, couldn’t do the laundry, couldn’t go grocery shopping, couldn’t clean the house, couldn’t make dinner for my kids, couldn’t do ANYTHING cause couldn’t move 😦 😦 😦 😦  And as if the back problem wasn’t bad enough I also found out that I wasn’t pregnant….. And just to top it off my dog suddenly felt the need to pee on my couch… the couch… REALLY……… This must really qualify as some shitty days…!!!! Fortunately today my back is a little better, and tomorrow I’m going to see the chiropractor again, and I hope that he’ll make it a little better…

I guess all this has really just reminded me how alone I am.. In times of need you really find out how badly you need someone to be there for you.. I wish my parents for instance had called me when they had been grocery shopping, just to hear if they could bring me something, or if there was something I needed… I mean getting help that you don’t have to ask for is really just the best, and I DONT ASK FOR HELP from ANYONE…. They knew I couldn’t move, they knew I couldn’t do anything.. I mean if only they had offered to cook us dinner or pick up the kids or something – anything I would have been forever grateful, cause I absolutely HATE asking anybody for help…. I just won’t do it… Then I’d rather be in pain…!!!! Stupid I know, but thats just the way I am… Fortunately my boyfriend returns tomorrow, so he can take over a little, can’t wait…!!!!

In times like this I’m really reminded of all the things I DONT have rather than the things I have… So I’ve really just been so sad… And then what do I do… I DREAM….. Dear Billionaire out there – please donate some money to me so I can hire a maid, a nanny and a driver ha ha 🙂 🙂 Naaah no matter how rich I was I don’t actually think I’d hire anybody to help anyways – cause I can take care of myself right… Hmmm… I would however love to win the lottery tomorrow – so dear God… Please let me win… I need some joy on top of a bad week…

Dear mr. billionaire out there somewhere

please help a girl who’s about to pull out her hair

her days are crazy and filled with worry

please help her out, and please do it in a hurry

All she wants is a life thats more carefree

all she wants is for everyone to see

see that she can do it all, all on her own

build a future and a beautiful home

a home for her kids, where they can always have a ball

the home of her dreams, with no worries at all

A home filled with joy, fun and happy hearts

and maybe even a garage with to amazing cars

and hopefully a future with a couple of babies

ohh that would really make the girls happy ladies

Well I guess it doesn’t hurt to have dreams

a little universe of my own where nothings as it seams

A place for distraction in times of need

a private space with not even a single bad seed

A place where everything is peaceful and filled with love

ohh how I wish and pray to the stars above.

And ohh well, if theres no mr. billionaire out there, and if theres no lottery winnings in sight for me, at least let my back be better soon so I can get back to my life and be fully functioning again……

What to do, when you hate what you do..???

WARNING : pathetic and somewhat self-pitying post ahead………

So from now on and the next 6 weeks forward, I absolutely HATE Tuesdays… Had the worst day ever today – the assignments that I have on tuesdays are just impossible and I have no idea how to make it better.. I simply can’t handle it….. AARRHHGG just hate that I chose this education some times.. But how was I to know that it would be all wrong for me.?! At the time I thought it was perfect, and after a while it’s just to late to change direction. So I have absolutely NO choice.. I’m stuck having to do something for a living that I hate doing, and for the rest of my life…. 😦 😦  So if you sometimes wonder why I spend so much time dreaming my life away, well this is why..

My reality is soooo depressing and irritating, that in order to get thru the days of my shitty life, I have to dream a little.. I feel like I’m in a state of panic – I’m really panicking cause what do I do… I don’t wanna do this anymore, but in reality I have no choice and theres only 8 months left of a 4 year long education so I have to finish what I started, it’s just so hard…!!! If I ever was to win the lottery I would without a doubt drop out of my education in a heartbeat cause I really really hate this.. I mean I love going to school cause I have amazing friends there, and we have a lot of fun together. The entire environment at my school is perfect and that I’m gonna miss like crazy when I’m done.. But these “internships” we have once a year, OMG they are just draining me. I feel like it’s one big charade, and seriously – if I was an actor, I would be nominated for an oscar.. Thats how good an actor I am in my internships. I put on a fake smile and a pretend attitude, go to “work” and then when I come home I’m done… I have no energy for anything – not even my poor kids.. And it makes me feel so sick… Worst part of it all….. my debt… I hate that I owe that much money, around 80000$ to be exact, 70 of them in student loans alone.. student loans that I’ve had to take to make ends meet – student loans for an education that I absolutely hate…. I which I had made smarter choices when I was young – but I didn’t and now here I am, forced to do something that I hate doing for the rest of my life. Living with a debt that I’ll never be able to pay of..  I mean it will seriously hunt me till I grow old and grey, and I probably won’t even have paid it of by the time I go to my grave… And that debt, well that’s what makes me stuck in my relationship, a relationship that I know deep down isn’t healthy for me, a relationship that is more practically based than romantically based, a relationship thats build on all the wrong things really..

So you see I feel like my life is like this crazy carrousel ride, that just spins and spins, making me dizzy and nauseous with no possibility of getting of and catching my breath.. I had to get an education in order to be able to someday get a job – I had to take student loans for that education in order to make ends meet – I had to stay in my unhealthy relationship in order to have a roof over my head and in order to give my daughters all they need – I have to abide to my boyfriends wishes and needs in order to be able to stay with him, meaning no more  kids for me, no marriage for me, living alone with the kids till they move away from home….. I know I’m sounding really pathetic right now, but sometimes I think it’s alright to feel a little sorry for yourself and thats what I’m doing today…..

I’m just sick and tired of just being content with my life…. I miss feeling happy, you know truly happy…. I often wonder if there are people out there who feels happy every single day, I mean do some people wake up in the morning thinking “What a beautiful day – love my life” or do most people wake up feeling like I do “Ohh no another day, wish I could stay in bed and live my life like one big vacation”…..

I just want a life like Kim Kardashians – except I don’t have the looks for that.. Just want a life like Angelina Jolies with loads of kids, acting for a living – except I don’t have the talent for that.. Just want a life like Paris Hiltons, partying and making perfumes for a living – except I don’t have a rich dad like hers to make that happen… Just want a life like Yolanda or one of the other “real housewives of Beverly Hills”, except my boyfriend is not even close to as rich as them… I just want some sort of talent, something that I’m really good at and something that can make me a lot of money somehow… OR just simply the talent of being happy with what I have… I just wanna be happy, like truly happy…. I just don’t wanna worry anymore.. Worry about money, worry about the future, worry about my stupid education, worry about my family, worry about my kids.. It seems like all I do in life is worry and act… Act like everything is okey when actually it’s not..!! If it was, I probably wouldn’t have a need to dream my life away, a need to write this blog, a need to hide my true feelings from my surroundings, cause I’d be busy living my perfect life..

I just want OUT… I’m panicking, I need a solution NOW, I can’t take it anymore… I want OUT………………… out out out out……

So you see, today is a really – pardon my french – shitty day… I guess tomorrow everything will be better, but for now – for today – I’m feeling pathetic and sorry for myself… So now it’s out and now I can get of the crazy carousel ride and take a breath…!!!! And tomorrow I’ll get right back on that crazy ride…

Just another day in a daydreamers life