No House, no Car, No money – but a baby in my tummy.!!

Yeah so a lot has happened these last couple of months, a long hard roller coaster ride  filled with chaos and emotions, and a whole freaking lot of them..!!

So saturday feburary 14th I found out I was pregnant !!!!! I couldn’t believe it and for a week or so I kept taking pregnancy tests every single day – after taking 14 pregnancy tests I finally believed that I was pregnant. In the past I’ve had a couple of miscarriges though so I didn’t want to say anything to anyone – including my boyfriend – before I was sure that everything was okey.. I mean if I was gonna loose the baby anyways I didn’t see any reason to cause chaos in our relationship.. So I made an appointment for an early ultrasound at 7+4 weeks pregnant and my plan was to tell him after that – depending on the result of course.. However my oldest daughter figured it out a couple of days prior to the ultrasound so I felt that I had to tell him so she didnt have to keep secrets from her dad. And so I told him..!! And thats when the chaos started….

He got absolutely pissed..! I had expected him to get angry as he really doesn’t want more kids, but I don’t think I had quite expected the reaction I got. He basically told me to get an abortion or move out..!!! He was such an A-hole and I can’t even begin to tell you all the things he did.. He drew our daughters in it, and totally manipulated them – told them that we had to move out of his house, and if mommy kept the baby they would never ever go on any trips again, no vacations, no skiing,  they would never get any cool clothes and well he basically told them that life as they knew it would end if I kept the baby. And also told them that an abortion was EASY cause it wasn’t even a real child yet and all I had to do was eat a pill… GOD…… My poor kids… They were so confused and sad and didn’t know how to react. When I had told my kids that I was having a baby they were over the moon of joy, cause they – much like me, have always wanted a baby brother/sister and they literally jumped of joy when I told them. But after all he said they didn’t know what to do, and both of them were really sad, cause obviously non of them wants to move.. And they both know that moving away also means that their lives will change drastically due to the fact that I have Absolutely NO money what so ever..

I mean who is he to drag the kids in to it this way… and how childish is that… Grow up and take responsibility for your actions..!!!! I have never ever hidden the fact that I was dreaming of more children NEVER.. I wasn’t on the pill which he knew, and he also knew that if I ever got pregnant I would never ever dream of an abortion – that just isn’t an obtion for me…!!! So I’ve been straight and upfront with everything, and he too has a responsibility too take the precautions that is needed not to have kids, it’s not my responsibility alone..!!! Fact of the matter is that HE was the one not being careful enough and bam a baby landed in my tummy…!!! He’s had the obtion of getting fixed but he never did.. So its not like its my fault, he too is to blame…!!! AArrgghh soooo angry with him…. So now here I am, I can’t afford moving out and I have NOTHING no furniture, no money, oh and yeah now I don’t even have a car anymore..!!!!

You see as if it wasn’t bad enough already I got involved in a car accident a couple of weeks ago and totaled my car 😦 An older couple failed to see a full stop sign and bursted right out in front of me – causing me to drive directly in to the side of their car with 50 km. pr. hour.. My car was totaled and I also got a nice little bonus of getting a whiplash in the accident..

So on top of my exams, taking care of two kids, being pregnant with extreme fatigue and all that follows, having a whiplash injury, having NO money and NO car I also have to figure out how to find a decent place for me and my kids to live, and have to figure out how to get some money so I actually can move… AAAAARRRRHHHHHH everything just seems SO f***ed up right now…!!!!

And worst of all, even though I should hate him and despise him for what he’s putting us through I still love him.??!! And even though I feel unlucky due to my circumstances, I still feel lucky that I’m actually pregnant, and even though I feel unlucky that I got into a car accident, I feel lucky that I got away with a whiplash injury – it could have been so much worse… So I feel SO absolutely unlucky right now, but at the same time lucky…. My life is just ONE big mess right now….

So now I don’t dream of diamond rings, I don’t dream of rolex watches, I don’t dream of mansions and rangerovers… I simply dream of everything working out soon… I dream of peace of mind for my kids and my self, I dream of enjoying my pregnancy instead of it being filled with chaos… So I dream and I dream and I dream….. PLEASE somebody – anybody… Let this dream come true…!!!!

 

Phase 1 part two !!

Phase 1 part two !!

First a little summary of my history and relationship with my grandparents… Ever since I was a little child, my grandparents on my fathers side was like my second parents.. I also had an amazing relationship with my other grandparents, but there was just this special bond with my dads parents. I would spend almost every weekend with them, and they’d spoil me like there was no tomorrow. We’d go for rides in the car every time I visited and in the summer we’d stop for ice-cream and in the winter we’d stop for chocolate. I’d be in the backseat enjoying every single minute of my time with them, I have SO many precious memories with them. Being with them was freedom, it was a place where I could be myself, and a place where I always felt appreciated and loved. I was never doubtful of their love for me, and we had so many little routines and traditions that nobody would probably understand, but that made so much sense to us.
I felt like I was the daughter they never had, and there was nothing better then being with them. When I got a little older and started going on sleepovers with my friends, my granddad was the one who would pick me up and drive me home when I missed my parents and wanted to go home. When it was raining and didn’t feel like riding my bike, I could always call my granddad and he’d pick me up. When I didn’t call to ask if I could come over, they’d call me, tell me they missed me and ask me if I wanted to come over. I loved them more than words can express and enjoyed every second of my time with them.

In about the 7th grade I started getting a little more busy with all of my friends so I didn’t spend as much time with them as I used to. And when I started 8th grade my time with them was even more limited. I didn’t have as many sleepovers with them and I wouldn’t go for as many car trips with them as I used to. I’d visit them of course and I’d call them, and they would never go on any of their little trips without calling me first, asking if I wanted to come. One day we had planned for me to go with them for a ride, but I was having so much fun with my friends that I called them last minute canceling our plan. I felt really guilty, but my granddad assured me that it was okay and not to worry about it “you can go with us next week” he said and that was the last conversation I had with him. My friends and I heard an ambulance that day, and talked about how it sounded to be close to where we were – this was just about 15 minutes after I had hung up on my granddad, but we didn’t think to much of it, and kept about our business. What I didn’t know at that time was that the ambulance was actually for my granddad and that he was actually only 150 meters away from where I was..! He had crashed his car in to a light pole, as he’d suffered a stroke while driving..!!! My life as I knew it had changed..!!