Phase 1 part three !!

Phase 1 part three !!

This is when my life really changed! My granddad didn’t die immediately. He went to the hospital and stayed there for weeks.. However he had lost the will to live, he was paralyzed in one side of his body and had lost the ability to speak. I had such a hard time going to the hospital visiting him – so I didn’t. I think I went to visit him twice and that was it and I didn’t know what to say or what to do. He didn’t look like him self and it was just so difficult for me, seeing him like that. At the same time I couldn’t help thinking if only I had gone with them that day, then maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I felt guilty and at the same time felt guilty for not visiting him. But I was sure that he would survive, it didn’t even cross my mind that he could die, maybe I was in denial or something but I was just so sure that he would get through it..

So that evening when my mom came to my room to tell me that it was only a matter of time before he’d pass away, I just didn’t believe it !! She asked me if I wanted to come with her to the hospital to say goodbye, or if I wanted to wait till next morning… well I wanted to wait, I just had to process what she had just told me, cause I couldn’t believe it. My mom had told me that it would probably be between 5-11 days so I thought I had loads of time. I remember thinking that next morning I would go up there and I would beg him to stay alive. I would tell him how I couldn’t live without him in my life, I would tell him how much he meant to me and that he just had to keep fighting. If not for him then for me.. That evening I planned everything I would say, and I was sure that that would make him fight, I was sure that would make him survive….

Next morning my mom came to my room again, to wake me up I thought, but I could see in her eyes that something was wrong; she didn’t even have to say it, I knew it and then she said it anyways… “I’m so sorry honey, but granddad passed away”

This was when my life changed, this was when it went from being carefree and happy to filled with guilt, sorrow, pain and dark dark thoughts. This was the beginning of the hardest part of my life….

Today it’s not about winning…

So today I’ve had a day of reminiscing.. I really really miss my beautiful amazing grandparents today, and still haven’t gotten used to the idea of not having grandparents anymore.. It’s weird how all of the sudden, you find you’re self all grown up, with your own family getting one step closer to when my own parents will be next in line.. I guess I feel like the 35 years I’ve lived really just flew by in a beat of a second… If theres anything I would wish for today, it would be the power of traveling in time.. I would go back to when I was 11 years old when everything was just fun and carefree and when I still had my grandparents…

I would spend one night with each set of grandparents just enjoying every single second and remembering to tell them how much I loved them. I’d enjoy being spoiled and I would take in that special smell of home cooked meals made with love that I still sometimes smell.. After that I’d go back to the family vacations to the mountains, with no TV, phones or computers in the cabin, just enjoying each others company playing cards at the table and going for long walks in the mountains. Just me and my family, just happy carefree times… And then I’d go back to life changing moments that I somehow wish I would have done differently.. I’d go back to that night when I was 14 years old and my mom came to my room to tell me that my grandad was dying.. She asked med if I wanted to come say goodbye, but I didn’t… you see I thought I had more time, my mom said that it would probably be about a week, so I said to her that I’d wait till morning… The next morning she came to my room again, this time to tell me he died during the night… That moment changed something inside me.. For many many years and maybe even a little bit still to this day, I blamed myself for his passing.. I was convinced that had I only went to visit him on the hospital, had I only begged him to fight, had I only told him how much I loved him, had I only hugged him and kissed him… Well then maybe he’d still be here today.. For many years I carried this guilt with me, and I never told a soul about it… Not until my adulthood have I been able to see that it was out of my hands, there was nothing I could have said or done that would have made him fight… But still, still I sometimes find my self wondering, and to this day I regret that I didn’t kiss him goodbye… And I’m scared that he felt abandoned and unloved by me when he layed there on the hospital alone and dying… Did he know I loved him…??? I guess I’ll never find out, but deep down I tell myself that he knew, he had to…. I wonder how my life would have turned out, had I had a chance to say goodbye.. I think it would have turned out very different, very different…

I’d go back to that Wednesday when my grandma called me and I didn’t pick up because I was watching Desperate Housewives, I told my self that I would call her the day after but just never got around to it.. And on Monday she had died… I wish I would have gotten a chance to say goodbye, but I just didn’t even think it was close to being her time to go.. I thought I had all the time in the world, I just didn’t… I wonder if she knew how much I loved her… I wonder if she knows how much I miss her… I wish I could turn back time so I could tell them all, just one more time…

So today I’m still dreaming, just not about winning that grand prize in the lottery, but dreaming that they know how much I care and how much I love and miss them… It’s so empty without them, so empty…..

So my wonderful grandparents if you’re up there somewhere, I love you and miss you every single day……