No House, no Car, No money – but a baby in my tummy.!!

Yeah so a lot has happened these last couple of months, a long hard roller coaster ride  filled with chaos and emotions, and a whole freaking lot of them..!!

So saturday feburary 14th I found out I was pregnant !!!!! I couldn’t believe it and for a week or so I kept taking pregnancy tests every single day – after taking 14 pregnancy tests I finally believed that I was pregnant. In the past I’ve had a couple of miscarriges though so I didn’t want to say anything to anyone – including my boyfriend – before I was sure that everything was okey.. I mean if I was gonna loose the baby anyways I didn’t see any reason to cause chaos in our relationship.. So I made an appointment for an early ultrasound at 7+4 weeks pregnant and my plan was to tell him after that – depending on the result of course.. However my oldest daughter figured it out a couple of days prior to the ultrasound so I felt that I had to tell him so she didnt have to keep secrets from her dad. And so I told him..!! And thats when the chaos started….

He got absolutely pissed..! I had expected him to get angry as he really doesn’t want more kids, but I don’t think I had quite expected the reaction I got. He basically told me to get an abortion or move out..!!! He was such an A-hole and I can’t even begin to tell you all the things he did.. He drew our daughters in it, and totally manipulated them – told them that we had to move out of his house, and if mommy kept the baby they would never ever go on any trips again, no vacations, no skiing,  they would never get any cool clothes and well he basically told them that life as they knew it would end if I kept the baby. And also told them that an abortion was EASY cause it wasn’t even a real child yet and all I had to do was eat a pill… GOD…… My poor kids… They were so confused and sad and didn’t know how to react. When I had told my kids that I was having a baby they were over the moon of joy, cause they – much like me, have always wanted a baby brother/sister and they literally jumped of joy when I told them. But after all he said they didn’t know what to do, and both of them were really sad, cause obviously non of them wants to move.. And they both know that moving away also means that their lives will change drastically due to the fact that I have Absolutely NO money what so ever..

I mean who is he to drag the kids in to it this way… and how childish is that… Grow up and take responsibility for your actions..!!!! I have never ever hidden the fact that I was dreaming of more children NEVER.. I wasn’t on the pill which he knew, and he also knew that if I ever got pregnant I would never ever dream of an abortion – that just isn’t an obtion for me…!!! So I’ve been straight and upfront with everything, and he too has a responsibility too take the precautions that is needed not to have kids, it’s not my responsibility alone..!!! Fact of the matter is that HE was the one not being careful enough and bam a baby landed in my tummy…!!! He’s had the obtion of getting fixed but he never did.. So its not like its my fault, he too is to blame…!!! AArrgghh soooo angry with him…. So now here I am, I can’t afford moving out and I have NOTHING no furniture, no money, oh and yeah now I don’t even have a car anymore..!!!!

You see as if it wasn’t bad enough already I got involved in a car accident a couple of weeks ago and totaled my car 😦 An older couple failed to see a full stop sign and bursted right out in front of me – causing me to drive directly in to the side of their car with 50 km. pr. hour.. My car was totaled and I also got a nice little bonus of getting a whiplash in the accident..

So on top of my exams, taking care of two kids, being pregnant with extreme fatigue and all that follows, having a whiplash injury, having NO money and NO car I also have to figure out how to find a decent place for me and my kids to live, and have to figure out how to get some money so I actually can move… AAAAARRRRHHHHHH everything just seems SO f***ed up right now…!!!!

And worst of all, even though I should hate him and despise him for what he’s putting us through I still love him.??!! And even though I feel unlucky due to my circumstances, I still feel lucky that I’m actually pregnant, and even though I feel unlucky that I got into a car accident, I feel lucky that I got away with a whiplash injury – it could have been so much worse… So I feel SO absolutely unlucky right now, but at the same time lucky…. My life is just ONE big mess right now….

So now I don’t dream of diamond rings, I don’t dream of rolex watches, I don’t dream of mansions and rangerovers… I simply dream of everything working out soon… I dream of peace of mind for my kids and my self, I dream of enjoying my pregnancy instead of it being filled with chaos… So I dream and I dream and I dream….. PLEASE somebody – anybody… Let this dream come true…!!!!

 

Phase 1 part three !!

Phase 1 part three !!

This is when my life really changed! My granddad didn’t die immediately. He went to the hospital and stayed there for weeks.. However he had lost the will to live, he was paralyzed in one side of his body and had lost the ability to speak. I had such a hard time going to the hospital visiting him – so I didn’t. I think I went to visit him twice and that was it and I didn’t know what to say or what to do. He didn’t look like him self and it was just so difficult for me, seeing him like that. At the same time I couldn’t help thinking if only I had gone with them that day, then maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I felt guilty and at the same time felt guilty for not visiting him. But I was sure that he would survive, it didn’t even cross my mind that he could die, maybe I was in denial or something but I was just so sure that he would get through it..

So that evening when my mom came to my room to tell me that it was only a matter of time before he’d pass away, I just didn’t believe it !! She asked me if I wanted to come with her to the hospital to say goodbye, or if I wanted to wait till next morning… well I wanted to wait, I just had to process what she had just told me, cause I couldn’t believe it. My mom had told me that it would probably be between 5-11 days so I thought I had loads of time. I remember thinking that next morning I would go up there and I would beg him to stay alive. I would tell him how I couldn’t live without him in my life, I would tell him how much he meant to me and that he just had to keep fighting. If not for him then for me.. That evening I planned everything I would say, and I was sure that that would make him fight, I was sure that would make him survive….

Next morning my mom came to my room again, to wake me up I thought, but I could see in her eyes that something was wrong; she didn’t even have to say it, I knew it and then she said it anyways… “I’m so sorry honey, but granddad passed away”

This was when my life changed, this was when it went from being carefree and happy to filled with guilt, sorrow, pain and dark dark thoughts. This was the beginning of the hardest part of my life….

Caught up in a dream…

AAARRGGHH so these last couple of days I just can’t seem to stop dreaming… Once again I’m really just caught up in this little dreamworld of mine, and I can’t seem to wake up or snap out of it… And I really really need to, cause I kinda have a Bachelor to write, so I have NO time for dreaming right now….. I blame Pinterest, Pinterest is such a time consumer when you’re a dreamer like me.. I already have everything lined up for that day when I magically become a millionaire and get to build my own house.. I have like a gzillion dreams on pinterest just ready to be taken to use… Add me @ johannemagrethe on pinterest and get a glimpse of all of my crazy dreams in pictures..

So the dream place for me to live is Calabasas… I’m just obsessed with this area, don’t know why cause I’ve never been there, but on TV it just looks like an amazing place to live, and so I can’t stop myself from checking out Trulia.com daily just to see if new homes has been put up for sale… I wish I could see Calabasas with my own eyes, then maybe I would fall out of love with it and maybe then I could stop all this silly dreaming… Ohh well, currently this is my favorite home in Calabasas…

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I mean how pretty is that…. You can see more pics of the house by clicking on this link :

http://www.trulia.com/property/3168628675-25225-Prado-De-Rosado-Calabasas-CA-91302#photo-22

I LOVE trulia cause it makes it really easy to dream big like I tend to do 🙂 🙂

And obviously I’d decorate this house amazingly.. so as previously stated I found a million good ideas on Pinterest… Way to many to put up in here, so check out my Pinterest for great ideas for homes 🙂

Well besides dreaming of Calabasas… I’ve been dreaming a lot lately about the whole baby thing…. It’s just so hard to come to terms with the fact  that I’ll never have more kids, ohh what I wouldn’t do to have more babies, twins would be perfect, twins are my dream…!!! God I hope that at least one of my dreams would come true one day, cause the thought of it never happening is just unbearable !!!!!!! how do you make you’re dreams come true..?? How…….

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No time for dreaming..

Okey so I’ve been super duper busy the past week, so haven’t had any time what so ever to dream away on the internet.. But now I’m almost on top of everything so I’m ready to join my little dream universe again 🙂 Well as previously told, I’m doing my “internship” (don’t know what it’s called in english) now – I started last monday and then it will be 6 more weeks before I’m done. I have to “work”  for 7 weeks as part of my education, and there is SOOOO much planning and preparation to do, so thats why I haven’t been able to spend time on my blog….
Well anyways – I finally found a hotel in NYC … So happy….  Cause now I can finally start planning my trip.. The hotel we booked looks SO cosy and it has great reviews so I’m super exited to see if it lives up to the great reviews. This is the hotel…

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Check it out here :  http://archerhotel.com/new-york

Cosy right..? And the location is perfect I think.. Last time we went to NYC we stayed at this hotel …

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Check it out here : http://www.iroquoisny.com

It was SO cosy and also had a great location – there was absolutely nothing to complaint about, friendly staff – clean rooms – excellent service throughout our stay, however I think it’s a little pricy which is why we’ve chose another hotel this time… I’d rather spend money on shopping than a hotel, after all we just have to sleep there, so it’s not like we’ll be spending a lot of time at the hotel itself.

My main goal of the trip is obviously shopping (hope to buy all my christmas presents here) – and since we’re there at Black Friday I really need to scope out the good offers, and sales before going.. However the sales haven’t been released yet so I’m patiently waiting for them to be released so I really can make my itinerary for the trip. I have already been on Macys website – making a wish list so I know exactly which department to go to first and which items I want – these are some of the items I hope to get at a good price ..

2289758_fpx.tif 2338580_fpx.tif 2346300_fpx.tif 2428309_fpx.tif 1518937_fpx.tifYou see Designers like Ralph Lauren are so much more cheap in the states, and also there is a much bigger selection on the different items, so I just HAVE to get some Ralph Lauren for my kids while I’m over there.. And how cute is that pj from Paul Frank, My oldest daughter would look so awesome in that.. 🙂 And that red and black striped knitted dress from Ralph Lauren would be perfect for christmas eve, and it even comes in both my daughters size so they could wear the same for christmas – PERFECT 🙂 My youngest daughter has always love school uniforms, and you simply can’t get that in my country – and what did I find on Macys website..? Schooluniforms…. Perfect, so I defiantly have to buy one of those for my daughter – it’s just to play in but still it’s a funny little thing that none of her friends has – and something you can only get over here so it makes for a perfect gift for christmas… I was thinking of this one, how cute is that..

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She would absolutely LOVE it so I hope to get this on sale as well…. Another thing that’s cheaper in the states is Nike… I do a lot of sports and I absolutely love Nike.. Especially their Nike Free’s, they are the most soft and amazing shoes I’ve had so I really need to get me some new ones while I’m over there.. These are some of the Nike items I hope to find on sale on black friday…

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You gotta love Nike – and you gotta love Macys….. Cant wait – just hope that I can get some of the items, and that it isn’t sold out by the time I get there… I know that it can get kinda crazy on Black Friday… So I hope hope hope….

If only I had tons of money – then I wouldn’t have to spend all this time planing to the smallest detail which store to go to and making list after list of comparing prizes etc. I wonder what it would feel like to be able to just walk in to a store and be able to buy what ever I wanted without even looking at the price tag.. Do rich people even think about the price…? Well well fortunately dreaming is free, and thats what I’m gonna keep doing… Who knows maybe one day it will actually be my turn to be rich, don’t know how.. but maybe one day it will just happen…. 🙂 🙂 Until then – I’ll do some more research so I’m sure to get the best sales and deals on my trip to NYC…… Only 24 days left…… 24 days…..