No House, no Car, No money – but a baby in my tummy.!!

Yeah so a lot has happened these last couple of months, a long hard roller coaster ride  filled with chaos and emotions, and a whole freaking lot of them..!!

So saturday feburary 14th I found out I was pregnant !!!!! I couldn’t believe it and for a week or so I kept taking pregnancy tests every single day – after taking 14 pregnancy tests I finally believed that I was pregnant. In the past I’ve had a couple of miscarriges though so I didn’t want to say anything to anyone – including my boyfriend – before I was sure that everything was okey.. I mean if I was gonna loose the baby anyways I didn’t see any reason to cause chaos in our relationship.. So I made an appointment for an early ultrasound at 7+4 weeks pregnant and my plan was to tell him after that – depending on the result of course.. However my oldest daughter figured it out a couple of days prior to the ultrasound so I felt that I had to tell him so she didnt have to keep secrets from her dad. And so I told him..!! And thats when the chaos started….

He got absolutely pissed..! I had expected him to get angry as he really doesn’t want more kids, but I don’t think I had quite expected the reaction I got. He basically told me to get an abortion or move out..!!! He was such an A-hole and I can’t even begin to tell you all the things he did.. He drew our daughters in it, and totally manipulated them – told them that we had to move out of his house, and if mommy kept the baby they would never ever go on any trips again, no vacations, no skiing,  they would never get any cool clothes and well he basically told them that life as they knew it would end if I kept the baby. And also told them that an abortion was EASY cause it wasn’t even a real child yet and all I had to do was eat a pill… GOD…… My poor kids… They were so confused and sad and didn’t know how to react. When I had told my kids that I was having a baby they were over the moon of joy, cause they – much like me, have always wanted a baby brother/sister and they literally jumped of joy when I told them. But after all he said they didn’t know what to do, and both of them were really sad, cause obviously non of them wants to move.. And they both know that moving away also means that their lives will change drastically due to the fact that I have Absolutely NO money what so ever..

I mean who is he to drag the kids in to it this way… and how childish is that… Grow up and take responsibility for your actions..!!!! I have never ever hidden the fact that I was dreaming of more children NEVER.. I wasn’t on the pill which he knew, and he also knew that if I ever got pregnant I would never ever dream of an abortion – that just isn’t an obtion for me…!!! So I’ve been straight and upfront with everything, and he too has a responsibility too take the precautions that is needed not to have kids, it’s not my responsibility alone..!!! Fact of the matter is that HE was the one not being careful enough and bam a baby landed in my tummy…!!! He’s had the obtion of getting fixed but he never did.. So its not like its my fault, he too is to blame…!!! AArrgghh soooo angry with him…. So now here I am, I can’t afford moving out and I have NOTHING no furniture, no money, oh and yeah now I don’t even have a car anymore..!!!!

You see as if it wasn’t bad enough already I got involved in a car accident a couple of weeks ago and totaled my car 😦 An older couple failed to see a full stop sign and bursted right out in front of me – causing me to drive directly in to the side of their car with 50 km. pr. hour.. My car was totaled and I also got a nice little bonus of getting a whiplash in the accident..

So on top of my exams, taking care of two kids, being pregnant with extreme fatigue and all that follows, having a whiplash injury, having NO money and NO car I also have to figure out how to find a decent place for me and my kids to live, and have to figure out how to get some money so I actually can move… AAAAARRRRHHHHHH everything just seems SO f***ed up right now…!!!!

And worst of all, even though I should hate him and despise him for what he’s putting us through I still love him.??!! And even though I feel unlucky due to my circumstances, I still feel lucky that I’m actually pregnant, and even though I feel unlucky that I got into a car accident, I feel lucky that I got away with a whiplash injury – it could have been so much worse… So I feel SO absolutely unlucky right now, but at the same time lucky…. My life is just ONE big mess right now….

So now I don’t dream of diamond rings, I don’t dream of rolex watches, I don’t dream of mansions and rangerovers… I simply dream of everything working out soon… I dream of peace of mind for my kids and my self, I dream of enjoying my pregnancy instead of it being filled with chaos… So I dream and I dream and I dream….. PLEASE somebody – anybody… Let this dream come true…!!!!

 

No winnings for me :( :(

Well as usual I didn’t win a single penny in the lottery yesterday, buhuu…. Actually I’m just having a total “downer day” today… I’m still broke, I miss my grandma, I’m not getting in better shape even though I’ve been running, swimming and doing other activities for more than 8 months now.. I just don’t get it, I mean I can still only run about a mile and then I loose my breath completely?? I mean I really can’t breath, whats the deal with that..? I’m beginning to think that something may be really wrong with my lungs or something.. And of course my best friend who always has been better at everything, started running a couple of weeks ago, and already she’s way better than me and can run 7 kilometers without a single break, and no loss of breath at all.. Just don’t get it AAARRGGHH so not fair :-/ :-/

And I really miss my grandma today, today it’s just over a week ago that we laid her to rest… It’s so weird that she’s not here anymore, but after all she was 93 years old and we were all there when she passed so I find a little comfort in knowing that she knew she was loved and cherished till the very end.. But still, it’s just so empty now.. I don’t have any grandparents anymore 😦 😦 But I had the best grandparents one could dream of.. They were truly amazing, and I’m lucky to have had them for so long, and for that I’m really grateful… All in all I really am really blessed with the family I have..

I am 35 years old, I have 2 beautiful, healthy and smart daughters. I have 3 sisters and I have 12 nephews and nieces – all of whom are also healthy, smart and beautiful.. I have my mom and dad, who till this day, still are totally in love and can’t spend as much as a day apart, and I had, as previously mentioned, the best grandparents in the world. I had the most idyllic, good, safe and happy childhood, so really I have nothing to complaint about.. I know I am more blessed than most people, so now you might be wondering what it is I’m dreaming about right? Cause I have it all right? Well yeah, I’m rich when it comes to family.. When it comes to family I’m a millionaire, I know.. But yet I can’t seem to stop dreaming my days away.. I wish that you could get a “stop dreaming” pill, and I would definitely take it.. But unfortunately those doesn’t exist.. So what do I do.. How do I stop..

Aaarrgghh I’m just having a downer day today.. A totally negative downer day… Nothing seems to be going my way today, at all.. Don’t even know why I’m spending my time writing this, it’s not like anybody’s gonna see it anyways… But well now it’s out so now I can get on with my day…

– JohanneMagrethe