Phase 1 part three !!

Phase 1 part three !!

This is when my life really changed! My granddad didn’t die immediately. He went to the hospital and stayed there for weeks.. However he had lost the will to live, he was paralyzed in one side of his body and had lost the ability to speak. I had such a hard time going to the hospital visiting him – so I didn’t. I think I went to visit him twice and that was it and I didn’t know what to say or what to do. He didn’t look like him self and it was just so difficult for me, seeing him like that. At the same time I couldn’t help thinking if only I had gone with them that day, then maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I felt guilty and at the same time felt guilty for not visiting him. But I was sure that he would survive, it didn’t even cross my mind that he could die, maybe I was in denial or something but I was just so sure that he would get through it..

So that evening when my mom came to my room to tell me that it was only a matter of time before he’d pass away, I just didn’t believe it !! She asked me if I wanted to come with her to the hospital to say goodbye, or if I wanted to wait till next morning… well I wanted to wait, I just had to process what she had just told me, cause I couldn’t believe it. My mom had told me that it would probably be between 5-11 days so I thought I had loads of time. I remember thinking that next morning I would go up there and I would beg him to stay alive. I would tell him how I couldn’t live without him in my life, I would tell him how much he meant to me and that he just had to keep fighting. If not for him then for me.. That evening I planned everything I would say, and I was sure that that would make him fight, I was sure that would make him survive….

Next morning my mom came to my room again, to wake me up I thought, but I could see in her eyes that something was wrong; she didn’t even have to say it, I knew it and then she said it anyways… “I’m so sorry honey, but granddad passed away”

This was when my life changed, this was when it went from being carefree and happy to filled with guilt, sorrow, pain and dark dark thoughts. This was the beginning of the hardest part of my life….

Phase 1 part two !!

Phase 1 part two !!

First a little summary of my history and relationship with my grandparents… Ever since I was a little child, my grandparents on my fathers side was like my second parents.. I also had an amazing relationship with my other grandparents, but there was just this special bond with my dads parents. I would spend almost every weekend with them, and they’d spoil me like there was no tomorrow. We’d go for rides in the car every time I visited and in the summer we’d stop for ice-cream and in the winter we’d stop for chocolate. I’d be in the backseat enjoying every single minute of my time with them, I have SO many precious memories with them. Being with them was freedom, it was a place where I could be myself, and a place where I always felt appreciated and loved. I was never doubtful of their love for me, and we had so many little routines and traditions that nobody would probably understand, but that made so much sense to us.
I felt like I was the daughter they never had, and there was nothing better then being with them. When I got a little older and started going on sleepovers with my friends, my granddad was the one who would pick me up and drive me home when I missed my parents and wanted to go home. When it was raining and didn’t feel like riding my bike, I could always call my granddad and he’d pick me up. When I didn’t call to ask if I could come over, they’d call me, tell me they missed me and ask me if I wanted to come over. I loved them more than words can express and enjoyed every second of my time with them.

In about the 7th grade I started getting a little more busy with all of my friends so I didn’t spend as much time with them as I used to. And when I started 8th grade my time with them was even more limited. I didn’t have as many sleepovers with them and I wouldn’t go for as many car trips with them as I used to. I’d visit them of course and I’d call them, and they would never go on any of their little trips without calling me first, asking if I wanted to come. One day we had planned for me to go with them for a ride, but I was having so much fun with my friends that I called them last minute canceling our plan. I felt really guilty, but my granddad assured me that it was okay and not to worry about it “you can go with us next week” he said and that was the last conversation I had with him. My friends and I heard an ambulance that day, and talked about how it sounded to be close to where we were – this was just about 15 minutes after I had hung up on my granddad, but we didn’t think to much of it, and kept about our business. What I didn’t know at that time was that the ambulance was actually for my granddad and that he was actually only 150 meters away from where I was..! He had crashed his car in to a light pole, as he’d suffered a stroke while driving..!!! My life as I knew it had changed..!!