No House, no Car, No money – but a baby in my tummy.!!

Yeah so a lot has happened these last couple of months, a long hard roller coaster ride  filled with chaos and emotions, and a whole freaking lot of them..!!

So saturday feburary 14th I found out I was pregnant !!!!! I couldn’t believe it and for a week or so I kept taking pregnancy tests every single day – after taking 14 pregnancy tests I finally believed that I was pregnant. In the past I’ve had a couple of miscarriges though so I didn’t want to say anything to anyone – including my boyfriend – before I was sure that everything was okey.. I mean if I was gonna loose the baby anyways I didn’t see any reason to cause chaos in our relationship.. So I made an appointment for an early ultrasound at 7+4 weeks pregnant and my plan was to tell him after that – depending on the result of course.. However my oldest daughter figured it out a couple of days prior to the ultrasound so I felt that I had to tell him so she didnt have to keep secrets from her dad. And so I told him..!! And thats when the chaos started….

He got absolutely pissed..! I had expected him to get angry as he really doesn’t want more kids, but I don’t think I had quite expected the reaction I got. He basically told me to get an abortion or move out..!!! He was such an A-hole and I can’t even begin to tell you all the things he did.. He drew our daughters in it, and totally manipulated them – told them that we had to move out of his house, and if mommy kept the baby they would never ever go on any trips again, no vacations, no skiing,  they would never get any cool clothes and well he basically told them that life as they knew it would end if I kept the baby. And also told them that an abortion was EASY cause it wasn’t even a real child yet and all I had to do was eat a pill… GOD…… My poor kids… They were so confused and sad and didn’t know how to react. When I had told my kids that I was having a baby they were over the moon of joy, cause they – much like me, have always wanted a baby brother/sister and they literally jumped of joy when I told them. But after all he said they didn’t know what to do, and both of them were really sad, cause obviously non of them wants to move.. And they both know that moving away also means that their lives will change drastically due to the fact that I have Absolutely NO money what so ever..

I mean who is he to drag the kids in to it this way… and how childish is that… Grow up and take responsibility for your actions..!!!! I have never ever hidden the fact that I was dreaming of more children NEVER.. I wasn’t on the pill which he knew, and he also knew that if I ever got pregnant I would never ever dream of an abortion – that just isn’t an obtion for me…!!! So I’ve been straight and upfront with everything, and he too has a responsibility too take the precautions that is needed not to have kids, it’s not my responsibility alone..!!! Fact of the matter is that HE was the one not being careful enough and bam a baby landed in my tummy…!!! He’s had the obtion of getting fixed but he never did.. So its not like its my fault, he too is to blame…!!! AArrgghh soooo angry with him…. So now here I am, I can’t afford moving out and I have NOTHING no furniture, no money, oh and yeah now I don’t even have a car anymore..!!!!

You see as if it wasn’t bad enough already I got involved in a car accident a couple of weeks ago and totaled my car 😦 An older couple failed to see a full stop sign and bursted right out in front of me – causing me to drive directly in to the side of their car with 50 km. pr. hour.. My car was totaled and I also got a nice little bonus of getting a whiplash in the accident..

So on top of my exams, taking care of two kids, being pregnant with extreme fatigue and all that follows, having a whiplash injury, having NO money and NO car I also have to figure out how to find a decent place for me and my kids to live, and have to figure out how to get some money so I actually can move… AAAAARRRRHHHHHH everything just seems SO f***ed up right now…!!!!

And worst of all, even though I should hate him and despise him for what he’s putting us through I still love him.??!! And even though I feel unlucky due to my circumstances, I still feel lucky that I’m actually pregnant, and even though I feel unlucky that I got into a car accident, I feel lucky that I got away with a whiplash injury – it could have been so much worse… So I feel SO absolutely unlucky right now, but at the same time lucky…. My life is just ONE big mess right now….

So now I don’t dream of diamond rings, I don’t dream of rolex watches, I don’t dream of mansions and rangerovers… I simply dream of everything working out soon… I dream of peace of mind for my kids and my self, I dream of enjoying my pregnancy instead of it being filled with chaos… So I dream and I dream and I dream….. PLEASE somebody – anybody… Let this dream come true…!!!!

 

A couple of crazy days !!!!!!

Wow so these last couple of days has been nothing less than crazy…

 It started out with me thinking that I actually might be pregnant.. I just had so many signs and I new that this time there was actually a chance.. I’ve dreamed of having more children for so many years now so I really really crossed my fingers, and on sunday I had this feeling that this was it and that two little babies hid in my tommy… On monday I went to school and unfortunately I had an accident during an attempt to do a handstand.. My stupid back said this wear noise and I could hardly get up of the floor.. It hurt SO bad and the 45 min. car-ride home was simply unbearable !!! But I god home, I just wasn’t able to move 😦 😦 😦 I literally couldn’t do anything, but lie down.. Every time I stood up, walked or sat down I just started crying of pain.. My poor kids didn’t know what to do, cause I was in so much pain BUHUUU.. The next day I went to the chiropractor in the hopes that he would be some kind of miracle maker, but NO.. Still in unbearable pain 😦 Wedensday Still in horrible pain and now a total mess, I couldn’t do anything at home, couldn’t do the laundry, couldn’t go grocery shopping, couldn’t clean the house, couldn’t make dinner for my kids, couldn’t do ANYTHING cause couldn’t move 😦 😦 😦 😦  And as if the back problem wasn’t bad enough I also found out that I wasn’t pregnant….. And just to top it off my dog suddenly felt the need to pee on my couch… the couch… REALLY……… This must really qualify as some shitty days…!!!! Fortunately today my back is a little better, and tomorrow I’m going to see the chiropractor again, and I hope that he’ll make it a little better…

I guess all this has really just reminded me how alone I am.. In times of need you really find out how badly you need someone to be there for you.. I wish my parents for instance had called me when they had been grocery shopping, just to hear if they could bring me something, or if there was something I needed… I mean getting help that you don’t have to ask for is really just the best, and I DONT ASK FOR HELP from ANYONE…. They knew I couldn’t move, they knew I couldn’t do anything.. I mean if only they had offered to cook us dinner or pick up the kids or something – anything I would have been forever grateful, cause I absolutely HATE asking anybody for help…. I just won’t do it… Then I’d rather be in pain…!!!! Stupid I know, but thats just the way I am… Fortunately my boyfriend returns tomorrow, so he can take over a little, can’t wait…!!!!

In times like this I’m really reminded of all the things I DONT have rather than the things I have… So I’ve really just been so sad… And then what do I do… I DREAM….. Dear Billionaire out there – please donate some money to me so I can hire a maid, a nanny and a driver ha ha 🙂 🙂 Naaah no matter how rich I was I don’t actually think I’d hire anybody to help anyways – cause I can take care of myself right… Hmmm… I would however love to win the lottery tomorrow – so dear God… Please let me win… I need some joy on top of a bad week…

Dear mr. billionaire out there somewhere

please help a girl who’s about to pull out her hair

her days are crazy and filled with worry

please help her out, and please do it in a hurry

All she wants is a life thats more carefree

all she wants is for everyone to see

see that she can do it all, all on her own

build a future and a beautiful home

a home for her kids, where they can always have a ball

the home of her dreams, with no worries at all

A home filled with joy, fun and happy hearts

and maybe even a garage with to amazing cars

and hopefully a future with a couple of babies

ohh that would really make the girls happy ladies

Well I guess it doesn’t hurt to have dreams

a little universe of my own where nothings as it seams

A place for distraction in times of need

a private space with not even a single bad seed

A place where everything is peaceful and filled with love

ohh how I wish and pray to the stars above.

And ohh well, if theres no mr. billionaire out there, and if theres no lottery winnings in sight for me, at least let my back be better soon so I can get back to my life and be fully functioning again……