No House, no Car, No money – but a baby in my tummy.!!

Yeah so a lot has happened these last couple of months, a long hard roller coaster ride  filled with chaos and emotions, and a whole freaking lot of them..!!

So saturday feburary 14th I found out I was pregnant !!!!! I couldn’t believe it and for a week or so I kept taking pregnancy tests every single day – after taking 14 pregnancy tests I finally believed that I was pregnant. In the past I’ve had a couple of miscarriges though so I didn’t want to say anything to anyone – including my boyfriend – before I was sure that everything was okey.. I mean if I was gonna loose the baby anyways I didn’t see any reason to cause chaos in our relationship.. So I made an appointment for an early ultrasound at 7+4 weeks pregnant and my plan was to tell him after that – depending on the result of course.. However my oldest daughter figured it out a couple of days prior to the ultrasound so I felt that I had to tell him so she didnt have to keep secrets from her dad. And so I told him..!! And thats when the chaos started….

He got absolutely pissed..! I had expected him to get angry as he really doesn’t want more kids, but I don’t think I had quite expected the reaction I got. He basically told me to get an abortion or move out..!!! He was such an A-hole and I can’t even begin to tell you all the things he did.. He drew our daughters in it, and totally manipulated them – told them that we had to move out of his house, and if mommy kept the baby they would never ever go on any trips again, no vacations, no skiing,  they would never get any cool clothes and well he basically told them that life as they knew it would end if I kept the baby. And also told them that an abortion was EASY cause it wasn’t even a real child yet and all I had to do was eat a pill… GOD…… My poor kids… They were so confused and sad and didn’t know how to react. When I had told my kids that I was having a baby they were over the moon of joy, cause they – much like me, have always wanted a baby brother/sister and they literally jumped of joy when I told them. But after all he said they didn’t know what to do, and both of them were really sad, cause obviously non of them wants to move.. And they both know that moving away also means that their lives will change drastically due to the fact that I have Absolutely NO money what so ever..

I mean who is he to drag the kids in to it this way… and how childish is that… Grow up and take responsibility for your actions..!!!! I have never ever hidden the fact that I was dreaming of more children NEVER.. I wasn’t on the pill which he knew, and he also knew that if I ever got pregnant I would never ever dream of an abortion – that just isn’t an obtion for me…!!! So I’ve been straight and upfront with everything, and he too has a responsibility too take the precautions that is needed not to have kids, it’s not my responsibility alone..!!! Fact of the matter is that HE was the one not being careful enough and bam a baby landed in my tummy…!!! He’s had the obtion of getting fixed but he never did.. So its not like its my fault, he too is to blame…!!! AArrgghh soooo angry with him…. So now here I am, I can’t afford moving out and I have NOTHING no furniture, no money, oh and yeah now I don’t even have a car anymore..!!!!

You see as if it wasn’t bad enough already I got involved in a car accident a couple of weeks ago and totaled my car 😦 An older couple failed to see a full stop sign and bursted right out in front of me – causing me to drive directly in to the side of their car with 50 km. pr. hour.. My car was totaled and I also got a nice little bonus of getting a whiplash in the accident..

So on top of my exams, taking care of two kids, being pregnant with extreme fatigue and all that follows, having a whiplash injury, having NO money and NO car I also have to figure out how to find a decent place for me and my kids to live, and have to figure out how to get some money so I actually can move… AAAAARRRRHHHHHH everything just seems SO f***ed up right now…!!!!

And worst of all, even though I should hate him and despise him for what he’s putting us through I still love him.??!! And even though I feel unlucky due to my circumstances, I still feel lucky that I’m actually pregnant, and even though I feel unlucky that I got into a car accident, I feel lucky that I got away with a whiplash injury – it could have been so much worse… So I feel SO absolutely unlucky right now, but at the same time lucky…. My life is just ONE big mess right now….

So now I don’t dream of diamond rings, I don’t dream of rolex watches, I don’t dream of mansions and rangerovers… I simply dream of everything working out soon… I dream of peace of mind for my kids and my self, I dream of enjoying my pregnancy instead of it being filled with chaos… So I dream and I dream and I dream….. PLEASE somebody – anybody… Let this dream come true…!!!!

 

A couple of crazy days !!!!!!

Wow so these last couple of days has been nothing less than crazy…

 It started out with me thinking that I actually might be pregnant.. I just had so many signs and I new that this time there was actually a chance.. I’ve dreamed of having more children for so many years now so I really really crossed my fingers, and on sunday I had this feeling that this was it and that two little babies hid in my tommy… On monday I went to school and unfortunately I had an accident during an attempt to do a handstand.. My stupid back said this wear noise and I could hardly get up of the floor.. It hurt SO bad and the 45 min. car-ride home was simply unbearable !!! But I god home, I just wasn’t able to move 😦 😦 😦 I literally couldn’t do anything, but lie down.. Every time I stood up, walked or sat down I just started crying of pain.. My poor kids didn’t know what to do, cause I was in so much pain BUHUUU.. The next day I went to the chiropractor in the hopes that he would be some kind of miracle maker, but NO.. Still in unbearable pain 😦 Wedensday Still in horrible pain and now a total mess, I couldn’t do anything at home, couldn’t do the laundry, couldn’t go grocery shopping, couldn’t clean the house, couldn’t make dinner for my kids, couldn’t do ANYTHING cause couldn’t move 😦 😦 😦 😦  And as if the back problem wasn’t bad enough I also found out that I wasn’t pregnant….. And just to top it off my dog suddenly felt the need to pee on my couch… the couch… REALLY……… This must really qualify as some shitty days…!!!! Fortunately today my back is a little better, and tomorrow I’m going to see the chiropractor again, and I hope that he’ll make it a little better…

I guess all this has really just reminded me how alone I am.. In times of need you really find out how badly you need someone to be there for you.. I wish my parents for instance had called me when they had been grocery shopping, just to hear if they could bring me something, or if there was something I needed… I mean getting help that you don’t have to ask for is really just the best, and I DONT ASK FOR HELP from ANYONE…. They knew I couldn’t move, they knew I couldn’t do anything.. I mean if only they had offered to cook us dinner or pick up the kids or something – anything I would have been forever grateful, cause I absolutely HATE asking anybody for help…. I just won’t do it… Then I’d rather be in pain…!!!! Stupid I know, but thats just the way I am… Fortunately my boyfriend returns tomorrow, so he can take over a little, can’t wait…!!!!

In times like this I’m really reminded of all the things I DONT have rather than the things I have… So I’ve really just been so sad… And then what do I do… I DREAM….. Dear Billionaire out there – please donate some money to me so I can hire a maid, a nanny and a driver ha ha 🙂 🙂 Naaah no matter how rich I was I don’t actually think I’d hire anybody to help anyways – cause I can take care of myself right… Hmmm… I would however love to win the lottery tomorrow – so dear God… Please let me win… I need some joy on top of a bad week…

Dear mr. billionaire out there somewhere

please help a girl who’s about to pull out her hair

her days are crazy and filled with worry

please help her out, and please do it in a hurry

All she wants is a life thats more carefree

all she wants is for everyone to see

see that she can do it all, all on her own

build a future and a beautiful home

a home for her kids, where they can always have a ball

the home of her dreams, with no worries at all

A home filled with joy, fun and happy hearts

and maybe even a garage with to amazing cars

and hopefully a future with a couple of babies

ohh that would really make the girls happy ladies

Well I guess it doesn’t hurt to have dreams

a little universe of my own where nothings as it seams

A place for distraction in times of need

a private space with not even a single bad seed

A place where everything is peaceful and filled with love

ohh how I wish and pray to the stars above.

And ohh well, if theres no mr. billionaire out there, and if theres no lottery winnings in sight for me, at least let my back be better soon so I can get back to my life and be fully functioning again……

What to do, when you hate what you do..???

WARNING : pathetic and somewhat self-pitying post ahead………

So from now on and the next 6 weeks forward, I absolutely HATE Tuesdays… Had the worst day ever today – the assignments that I have on tuesdays are just impossible and I have no idea how to make it better.. I simply can’t handle it….. AARRHHGG just hate that I chose this education some times.. But how was I to know that it would be all wrong for me.?! At the time I thought it was perfect, and after a while it’s just to late to change direction. So I have absolutely NO choice.. I’m stuck having to do something for a living that I hate doing, and for the rest of my life…. 😦 😦  So if you sometimes wonder why I spend so much time dreaming my life away, well this is why..

My reality is soooo depressing and irritating, that in order to get thru the days of my shitty life, I have to dream a little.. I feel like I’m in a state of panic – I’m really panicking cause what do I do… I don’t wanna do this anymore, but in reality I have no choice and theres only 8 months left of a 4 year long education so I have to finish what I started, it’s just so hard…!!! If I ever was to win the lottery I would without a doubt drop out of my education in a heartbeat cause I really really hate this.. I mean I love going to school cause I have amazing friends there, and we have a lot of fun together. The entire environment at my school is perfect and that I’m gonna miss like crazy when I’m done.. But these “internships” we have once a year, OMG they are just draining me. I feel like it’s one big charade, and seriously – if I was an actor, I would be nominated for an oscar.. Thats how good an actor I am in my internships. I put on a fake smile and a pretend attitude, go to “work” and then when I come home I’m done… I have no energy for anything – not even my poor kids.. And it makes me feel so sick… Worst part of it all….. my debt… I hate that I owe that much money, around 80000$ to be exact, 70 of them in student loans alone.. student loans that I’ve had to take to make ends meet – student loans for an education that I absolutely hate…. I which I had made smarter choices when I was young – but I didn’t and now here I am, forced to do something that I hate doing for the rest of my life. Living with a debt that I’ll never be able to pay of..  I mean it will seriously hunt me till I grow old and grey, and I probably won’t even have paid it of by the time I go to my grave… And that debt, well that’s what makes me stuck in my relationship, a relationship that I know deep down isn’t healthy for me, a relationship that is more practically based than romantically based, a relationship thats build on all the wrong things really..

So you see I feel like my life is like this crazy carrousel ride, that just spins and spins, making me dizzy and nauseous with no possibility of getting of and catching my breath.. I had to get an education in order to be able to someday get a job – I had to take student loans for that education in order to make ends meet – I had to stay in my unhealthy relationship in order to have a roof over my head and in order to give my daughters all they need – I have to abide to my boyfriends wishes and needs in order to be able to stay with him, meaning no more  kids for me, no marriage for me, living alone with the kids till they move away from home….. I know I’m sounding really pathetic right now, but sometimes I think it’s alright to feel a little sorry for yourself and thats what I’m doing today…..

I’m just sick and tired of just being content with my life…. I miss feeling happy, you know truly happy…. I often wonder if there are people out there who feels happy every single day, I mean do some people wake up in the morning thinking “What a beautiful day – love my life” or do most people wake up feeling like I do “Ohh no another day, wish I could stay in bed and live my life like one big vacation”…..

I just want a life like Kim Kardashians – except I don’t have the looks for that.. Just want a life like Angelina Jolies with loads of kids, acting for a living – except I don’t have the talent for that.. Just want a life like Paris Hiltons, partying and making perfumes for a living – except I don’t have a rich dad like hers to make that happen… Just want a life like Yolanda or one of the other “real housewives of Beverly Hills”, except my boyfriend is not even close to as rich as them… I just want some sort of talent, something that I’m really good at and something that can make me a lot of money somehow… OR just simply the talent of being happy with what I have… I just wanna be happy, like truly happy…. I just don’t wanna worry anymore.. Worry about money, worry about the future, worry about my stupid education, worry about my family, worry about my kids.. It seems like all I do in life is worry and act… Act like everything is okey when actually it’s not..!! If it was, I probably wouldn’t have a need to dream my life away, a need to write this blog, a need to hide my true feelings from my surroundings, cause I’d be busy living my perfect life..

I just want OUT… I’m panicking, I need a solution NOW, I can’t take it anymore… I want OUT………………… out out out out……

So you see, today is a really – pardon my french – shitty day… I guess tomorrow everything will be better, but for now – for today – I’m feeling pathetic and sorry for myself… So now it’s out and now I can get of the crazy carousel ride and take a breath…!!!! And tomorrow I’ll get right back on that crazy ride…

Just another day in a daydreamers life

No time for dreaming..

Okey so I’ve been super duper busy the past week, so haven’t had any time what so ever to dream away on the internet.. But now I’m almost on top of everything so I’m ready to join my little dream universe again 🙂 Well as previously told, I’m doing my “internship” (don’t know what it’s called in english) now – I started last monday and then it will be 6 more weeks before I’m done. I have to “work”  for 7 weeks as part of my education, and there is SOOOO much planning and preparation to do, so thats why I haven’t been able to spend time on my blog….
Well anyways – I finally found a hotel in NYC … So happy….  Cause now I can finally start planning my trip.. The hotel we booked looks SO cosy and it has great reviews so I’m super exited to see if it lives up to the great reviews. This is the hotel…

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Check it out here :  http://archerhotel.com/new-york

Cosy right..? And the location is perfect I think.. Last time we went to NYC we stayed at this hotel …

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Check it out here : http://www.iroquoisny.com

It was SO cosy and also had a great location – there was absolutely nothing to complaint about, friendly staff – clean rooms – excellent service throughout our stay, however I think it’s a little pricy which is why we’ve chose another hotel this time… I’d rather spend money on shopping than a hotel, after all we just have to sleep there, so it’s not like we’ll be spending a lot of time at the hotel itself.

My main goal of the trip is obviously shopping (hope to buy all my christmas presents here) – and since we’re there at Black Friday I really need to scope out the good offers, and sales before going.. However the sales haven’t been released yet so I’m patiently waiting for them to be released so I really can make my itinerary for the trip. I have already been on Macys website – making a wish list so I know exactly which department to go to first and which items I want – these are some of the items I hope to get at a good price ..

2289758_fpx.tif 2338580_fpx.tif 2346300_fpx.tif 2428309_fpx.tif 1518937_fpx.tifYou see Designers like Ralph Lauren are so much more cheap in the states, and also there is a much bigger selection on the different items, so I just HAVE to get some Ralph Lauren for my kids while I’m over there.. And how cute is that pj from Paul Frank, My oldest daughter would look so awesome in that.. 🙂 And that red and black striped knitted dress from Ralph Lauren would be perfect for christmas eve, and it even comes in both my daughters size so they could wear the same for christmas – PERFECT 🙂 My youngest daughter has always love school uniforms, and you simply can’t get that in my country – and what did I find on Macys website..? Schooluniforms…. Perfect, so I defiantly have to buy one of those for my daughter – it’s just to play in but still it’s a funny little thing that none of her friends has – and something you can only get over here so it makes for a perfect gift for christmas… I was thinking of this one, how cute is that..

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She would absolutely LOVE it so I hope to get this on sale as well…. Another thing that’s cheaper in the states is Nike… I do a lot of sports and I absolutely love Nike.. Especially their Nike Free’s, they are the most soft and amazing shoes I’ve had so I really need to get me some new ones while I’m over there.. These are some of the Nike items I hope to find on sale on black friday…

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You gotta love Nike – and you gotta love Macys….. Cant wait – just hope that I can get some of the items, and that it isn’t sold out by the time I get there… I know that it can get kinda crazy on Black Friday… So I hope hope hope….

If only I had tons of money – then I wouldn’t have to spend all this time planing to the smallest detail which store to go to and making list after list of comparing prizes etc. I wonder what it would feel like to be able to just walk in to a store and be able to buy what ever I wanted without even looking at the price tag.. Do rich people even think about the price…? Well well fortunately dreaming is free, and thats what I’m gonna keep doing… Who knows maybe one day it will actually be my turn to be rich, don’t know how.. but maybe one day it will just happen…. 🙂 🙂 Until then – I’ll do some more research so I’m sure to get the best sales and deals on my trip to NYC…… Only 24 days left…… 24 days…..